link 20 Jan 9 notes John Barrett: Bop, Marry, Kill: Bobby Cox, Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux, »

oldtimefamilybaseball:

Hello nerds! It’s that time of year when Mike here uses his friends to raise money for what I’m assuming is some sort of stirrup sock-related terrorist organization, and I have therefore written this intimate and heartfelt piece about how I want to [editor’s note:] marry baseball players before…

This will run here without Michael’s FASCIST editing in a couple of days. But check it and donate if you got the scratch!

text 13 Jan 30 notes We Are One Week Away from Blogathon 2014!

I have written and submitted a piece for this. Donate you turds.

oldtimefamilybaseball:

In one week’s time, we will be hosting the third annual blogathon to support Doctors Without Borders. For those new to these parts, it’s where I post fresh, new content every half hour for 24 hours, and then over 40 of the best sportswriters in the game, coming from places like Hardball Talk, Baseball Prospectus, Sports on Earth, and Sports Illustrated, come together to write guest posts the next day. 

And it’s all done to support Doctors Without Borders. Click here to donate to our campaign now as we aim to top $4,000! 

Even better, we have a number of raffle prizes to give away to everyone that donates, even as little as one dollar, and today I’m excited to announce new prizes! 

Bobbleheads: 

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A selection of great bobbleheads donated by Bryan Green of Tinkers Ghost, including: 

- (2) Joe Maddon Lawn Gnomes

- Clearwater Thresher’s Domonic Brown

- Clearwater Thresher’s Mike Schmidt

- Winter the Dolphin

- Los Angeles Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw

Music

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The greatest baseball grindcore band in the world, Puig Destroyer have donated three 7” to the blogathon, ensuring that the winner of the prize will have their ears and mind blown to songs like “Five Tools, One Man,” and “Dad Hat.” 

Check out the band at their Bandcamp page, purchase the record at The Ghost is Clear, and follow the exploits of the men behind the band at Productive Outs and their Twitter @productiveouts

Tee-Shirts and Art Prints

Artist Aaron Dana has kindly donated a selection of his beautiful pop art baseball tees and prints, including:

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Check out Aaron’s work at AaronDana.com, follow him on Twitter @aaronhadleydana and check out his Etsy store to purchase these and more great art. 

Click here to read more information about the event and follow the jump for the rest of the prizes from Baseball Prospectus, Baseball Card Vandals, Out of the Park Baseball, and others that are up for grabs. And please, don’t forget to donate

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text 11 Nov 1 note Richie Incognito, Riley Cooper, Michael Richards

It’s been a while, hasn’t it friends? This is a thing for which I humbly and deeply apologize. I love you all though. With all of my heart and penis. Let’s get into this.

Former Miami Dolphins’ Guard Richie Incognito has been in the news these last few weeks for his potentially racist treatment of teammate, Jonathan Martin. So, let us take a look at some famous users of everyone’s favorite part-of-hate-speech, the N-word. First, Mr. Incognito himself. Next we’ll look at Eagles’ Wide Receiver, Riley Cooper. Finally, Cosmo Kramer himself: Michael Richards. LET’S DO THIS!

First up: Richie Incognito

Why you should bop him:

Mr. Incognito here was recently given the title of “Dirtiest Player” in the NFL, so you know he likes to party. And look at this video from TMZ showing Incognito have a good time. Look at the menace. Look at the power. If he can bring some of that pent up machismo to the bedroom, he will wreck whatever part of your body you’d most like to have wrecked.

Why you should marry him:

The Pro-Football Writer’s Association (in a move they are certainly not regretting at all in light of recent events) gave Incognito the “Good Guy Award.” So he’s obviously a good guy! Also, he participated in some weird thing the NFL does with Harvard where football players learn business stuff, and as he’s already proved himself a racist bully, he’s going to do GREAT as a rich dude.

Why you should kill him:

Apart from the previously mentioned terrible racism, he’s got that fucking horrible tribal band.

Next up: Riley Cooper.

Why you should bop him:

Riley Cooper has been drafted in two professional sports leagues, Major League Baseball (he did not accept the Phillies’ offer so he could attend college) and The NFL. This means he has a diverse set of physical skills that obviously apply the bedroom (where people have sex.) Also, look at that HAIR!

Why you should marry him:

He has, twice, made a single-handed catch for a touchdown against the Dallas Cowboys, the third most evil team in the history of competitive athletics. He’s also probably friends with Michael Vick, so you can have some connections on the inside if you get arrested.

Why you should kill him:

His “n-word” incident happened at a Kenny Chesney concert, so chances are pretty good he meant it.

Finally, Michael Richards.

Why you should bop him:

Remember how funny he was on Seinfeld? He was really funny on Seinfeld. I bet that manic, comedic energy would make for some looney love-making. Also, in the wake of his whole Laugh Factory debacle, he went on a spiritual journey through Cambodia, where he probably picked up some bizarre sex things or something. People who go on spiritual journeys tend to get into bizarre sex things.

Why you should marry him:

Seinfeld is on television somewhere literally every second of every day.

Why you should kill him:

He was part of an improv act with Ed Begley Jr. in the 70s, and it’s hard to imagine anything in life could ever measure up to something like that. Every moment he isn’t performing improv with Ed Begley Jr. must be absolute agony.

And now! The final Verdict!

Man, like, white dudes should just not be using the n-word.

Bop: Richie Incognito. Just watch that TMZ video again and tell me you don’t want to ride that chunky train to fuck-town.

Marry: Michael Richards. SEINFELD MONEY! Also, wasn’t he in UHF with Weird Al? Are they still friends?

Kill: Riley Cooper. No one goes to Kenny Chesney concerts for any other reason than to be racist about stuff.

This is all unimpeachable truth, but whatever, who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?

text 24 Jan 1 note Sam Malone, Roy Hobbs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez

(Editor’s note: This originally appeared over at Old Time Family Baseball, for the blogathon. I believe you can still donate.)


Well, it’s been a while, huh dear readers? Boy have I missed you guys. I really have. But more than that, I’m just plain happy as hell to be making my return for Old Time Family Baseball’s now annual blogathon. In the last few months, I’ve had a lot of time to think about sex and murder and marriage, so I think I have a lot of good things to offer here.

So, as you may have figured from this appearing on a baseball blog, today’s entry is Baseball themed. We will be examining three fictional baseball players. First up, Boston’s favorite son, Sam Malone (of Cheers [NBC]). Next, we will examine the apparently divinely endowed talents of Mr. Roy Hobbs (of the Natural.) Finally, we will explore the only person on this list who I still believe is real, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (of the Sandlot.) Let’s get into this.

First up: Sam Malone.



Why you should bop him:

Look at that luxurious mane! And the swagger. And he runs a bar, so you can probably get wasted for cheap! But not with Sam. He’s in recovery. So you know he’s seen and done some messed up stuff, which, if that’s not a thing that turns you on, you’re a weirdo. Also, the word “lothario” appears a surprising amount on his wikipedia page.

Why you should marry him:

He runs a bar that is famously CONSTANTLY full of people who are CONSTANTLY drinking, so he’s gotta be rolling in fat dough. Plus he’s occasionally in beer commercials. Also, he’s in alcohol recovery, so he probably has a handle on his behavior in a lot of ways. Or something.

Why you should kill him:

He was a FILTHY FUCKING RED SOCK!

Next, Roy Hobbs.



Why you should bop him:

HE’S ROBERT FUCKING REDFORD! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING?

Why you should marry him:

He’s so devoted to his family, that he makes his bat out of the tree that killed his father… wait, that’s actually super weird. But at least his illegitimate son that he didn’t know about is the reason he hit his playoff-clinching home run! Plus, he’s a naturally gifted athlete, who can make magic bats out of deadly trees.

Why you should kill him:

Well, for one, a bunch of people seem to REALLY want him dead, so you can probably get some money for it. Plus, he’s apparently some sort of lightning/tree wizard. Also, that stomach thing seems like it’s basically a long-term death sentence that’s going to suck a lot, so maybe just put him out of his misery?

Finally, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.



Why you should bop him:

Do I need to really write anything here? Can’t you all just go and watch that scene in The Sandlot where he gets the ball back? I don’t what the sex version of PF Flyers are, but I’m sure he’ll wear them and ROCK YOUR FUCKING WORLD. Plus, I don’t know what the sexual equivalent of stealing home is, but I bet having it done to you is really awesome.

Why you should marry him:

While the movie doesn’t discuss his major league career in all that much detail, he IS on the Dodgers, and his career has been notable enough for Smalls to observe that “folks say he’s lost a step or two.” So he’s got major league baseball money. And with that mustache, the endorsements have got to come rolling in upon retirement.

Why you should kill him:

I’m pretty sure PF Flyers count as Performance Enhancing Drugs. And if they don’t, the sage advice of a wise, blind, old black man DEFINITELY counts. And we all know that doing anything at all to enhance your performance, even with the tacit support of the entire sports viewing/writing-about/knowing-about world, is the most evil thing someone can do.

The Final Verdict:

I’d make shit up about how hard of a decision this is to make, but it’s not, so here you all go:
Bop: Roy Hobbs. The reasoning here is twofold. 1) He’s Robert Fucking Redford. 2) He has three separate lady-callers over the course of the movie. Plus all the shit about being naturally gifted. He almost definitely has a huge schlong.

Marry: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. He’s just as talented as Roy Hobbs, but his bravery takes a more physical manifestation which, I don’t know, means something probably. Also, he doesn’t have that pesky moral opposition to taking money for throwing a game.

Kill: Sam Malone. Kill him and every member of every Red Sox team.

text 20 Jan Impending Return

Hello dear readers,

Please turn your attention to old time family baseball. They’re doing good stuff, and I wrote a post for them that will be going up this evening.

Also, sorry for the extended absence.


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