January 2013
2 posts
12 tags
Sam Malone, Roy Hobbs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez
(Editor’s note: This originally appeared over at Old Time Family Baseball, for the blogathon. I believe you can still donate.)
Well, it’s been a while, huh dear readers? Boy have I missed you guys. I really have. But more than that, I’m just plain happy as hell to be making my return for Old Time Family Baseball’s now annual blogathon. In the last few months, I’ve had a lot of time to think...
Impending Return
Hello dear readers,
Please turn your attention to old time family baseball. They’re doing good stuff, and I wrote a post for them that will be going up this evening.
Also, sorry for the extended absence.
August 2012
1 post
10 tags
Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Rafalca Romney
Suck it haters, I’m back. I know you’ve all stayed up nights wondering, “Will ‘Bop Marry Kill’ ever be a thing again? And why does John so constantly go silent on us?” Well wonder no more! I’m back, and I go silent on you because I am a superhero by night.
On to the matter at hand! Election season is rapidly approaching. Or basically it’s already...
March 2012
2 posts
11 tags
Corned Beef, Green Beer, Dropkick Murphys
Happy Feast of St. Patrick out there all you devout catholics out there! It’s great to see everyone really get into the spirit of one of the many meaningless holidays celebrating our saints. It does the Catholic part of me good. Well, at least the part of the Catholic part that isn’t concerned about being guilty about every little thing I do, think or say. St. Patrick, for those of you...
16 tags
Bonnaroo, Coachella, SXSW
Alright dudes and lady-dudes. After a brief hiatus, the inspiration fairy has sprinkled its magic powder into my pee-hole (that’s how inspiration works guys, look it up) and it is time for a new Bop Marry Kill post. And this week, what with South by Southwest being in full swing down in Austin, I figure, why not do some of the bigger festivals? You know? Why not? Anyway, in alphabetical...
January 2012
4 posts
13 tags
Joe Flacco, Alex Smith, Eli Manning
I told you I was back. You didn’t believe. You were all “this blog is dead.” But I was all “WRONG, MOTHERFUCKERS! THIS BLOG IS ALIVE! LIKE TUPAC AND ELVIS!” or something. Anyway, it’s time for all of us to forgive and forget and to start talking about celebrities in the context of sex.
This weekend marks the Conference Championships for the NFC and AFC....
14 tags
Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Mark Wahlberg
Greetings fair readers. SEE! This makes two of these this week! So shut the fuck up about my hiatus or whatever. Anyway, before I start talking about how great I am for no longer being too lazy to write a hasty blog about fucking people, let’s get into this thing.
So, today’s a pretty big day. You’ve got all these websites (especially wikipedia [which I use quite liberally to...
6 tags
Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Derek Jeter
Hello all. You thought I was dead, I bet. NOPE! I was just living on another plane of existence where one never thinks about sex, murder, or marriage. Needless to say, I never had a single thought!
But, so anyway, one of them Old Time Family Baseball idiots asked me about guest blogging for their blog-charity event, I am coming out of retirement. Like Michael Jordan, but the second time he went...
2 tags
Old Time Family Baseball: Announcing the First Old... →
oldtimefamilybaseball:
With the holiday season just around the corner and goodwill and cheer in men’s hearts, I am happy to announce that in just under a month, the Old Time Family Baseball Blogathon will kick off. Though many have already donated to charity recently, it’s important to remember that when December ends,…
So, ya’ll may I have noticed a lack of activity on my end....
April 2011
1 post
4 tags
Sex, Marriage, Murder
I feel like every time I write this blog I have to apologize for a lack of recent updates. But, honestly, that’s as much your fault as it is mine, now isn’t it? Yeah, it is. Anyway, guess what fuckers, this blog has been a thing that exists for a whole YEAR now! Woo! In honor of that, today’s blog entry will focus on the three things that all the previous blogs have focused on,...
February 2011
2 posts
10 tags
Adam & Eve, Romeo & Juliet, Brangelina
Happy Valentine’s Day readers. Before ya’ll go and have romantic evenings that hopefully turn into lurid, filthy sex-night-times; let’s go ahead and play Bop Marry Kill. Today, in honor of Eros doing his thing on your hearts/genitals, we examine some of Earth’s most famous sex-couples. First, the OG of couples, Adam and Eve. Then we’ll look at the couple that for some...
12 tags
Kobe Bryant, Blake Griffin, Ron Artest
Hey Guys. So a few things. One, I wrote this whole post already. It took me an hour. Tumblr deleted it, so I’m probably going to murder a baby. Two, hey, sorry about the delay. Blah blah blah I moved to LA here’s a post about LA guys. Fuck you tumblr. First, Lakers Leader and friend of the Colorado Legal System. Second, defier of physics, and Clipper, Blake Griffin. Finally, aspiring...
December 2010
1 post
9 tags
"Happy Xmas (War Is Over)", "Wonderful...
So there are a lot of things that I have to get to with the beginning of this post. 1) sorry I’ve been away. 2) Hey, happy Holiday season ya’ll! 3) Isn’t it sad that John Lennon was killed 30 years ago this week? 4) Isn’t it sadder that it wasn’t Paul, who is still alive to do SNL tonight? Anyway, you may sense a theme developing. So tonight, we do Bop, Marry, Kill...
November 2010
1 post
11 tags
Republican Party, Democratic Party, Third Parties
Happy Election Day! Erection Day? You bet! In the spirit of democracy, why not participate in the only form of democracy that truly matters? The game of Bop, Marry, Kill! Today we’ll look at some politics stuff. First, the Grand Old Republican Party. Secondly, the Democratic Party. And finally, we’re just going to lump all the third parties together because the constitution, I’m...
October 2010
2 posts
10 tags
American Indians, Leif Ericson, Christopher...
HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! It’s a day when we celebrate a guy who magically discovered a continent where people already lived! Anyway, in honor of this day, we here at Bop Marry Kill have decided to do an entry where we look at two people and one group of people that have been credited with discovering America. We begin with the group that seems to have the most science on their side...
12 tags
Robinson Cano, Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira
Alright assholes, you knew this was coming. Any of you who know me at all know that this is all I’ve been thinking about for the last two weeks. So guess what. The Yankees are going to the playoffs. And you know what interesting statistic I recently heard about them? It may not still be true, and I’m sure I’ll get corrected if it’s not, but as of about a week and a half...
September 2010
2 posts
Whoops
I wrote a whole new bop marry kill about the “wife” characters on Modern Family, but when I went to publish it, I got the tumblr maintenance screen and *poof* shit was gone. Anyway, I apologize for the lack of updates and promise to return this weekend with multiple entries. I don’t think I’m going to revisit the Modern Family theme again, but never say never.
Oh, and...
10 tags
Barbecues, not working, the Labor Movement
Happy Labor day, folks! Time to not be at work, eat a bunch of flame seared meat, and celebrate the long standing tradition of the working-man. Right? You’re doing all those things today? Anyway, let’s do some bop marry kill action on those guys. We start with barbecues. Then we will look at Not Working on a fucking Monday! Finally we will examine the Labor Movement. Let’s get...
August 2010
7 posts
10 tags
Glenn Beck, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., The AIDS...
So yesterday, Glen “I’m a huge fuck-face” Beck held a rally at the Lincoln Memorial called “Restoring Hope.” As you may be aware, yesterday also marked the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s beautiful and moving, “I Have a Dream” speech, also delivered in front of the Lincoln Memorial. So what better honor to bestow than to a shitty blog. So...
10 tags
House, Doogie Howser, Doctor Doolittle
My brother has been watching House all day, and I haven’t written one of these all week. That’s because I got a job, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, let’s do this. Famous TV/film doctors. Starting with Gregory House. Then we move on to Doogie Howser. Finally, we do Doctor Doolittle. So let’s just dispense with the formalities and get into it.
First,...
11 tags
Brett Favre, Lebron James, Tiger Woods
So Athletes huh? They’ve been kind of assholes lately right? Goddamn right I’m right. Anyway, today what with Brett Favre needing to host a huge ordeal of a press conference to tell us whether his old ass is going to throw pieces of leather really far this year, I feel it’s a good time to discuss some big ol’ media-circus inspiring athletes of the past yearish. We start...
9 tags
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Some of you may know that I am a pretty big fan of westerns. Actually, I don’t know how public that knowledge is. Whatever. Anyway, today’s entry is inspired by probably one of the greatest westerns ever. Now, I am not exploring the characters from the film, just sort of, the greater concept of good people, bad people, and ugly people. At this point, I think it’s clear enough, so...
11 tags
George Michael Bluth, Evan, Paulie Bleeker
With everyone all getting their boners in a bunch about the impending release of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World this week, I figure, let’s look at the guy who will be starring in the aforementioned film. But not, like, him. Because he’s one guy, and the whole conceit of this blog is gone if there aren’t three subjects. So let’s look at what I’m going to go ahead and say...
10 tags
Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D
Guys! Today marks one of the most important moments in the history of cinema. Today, the world finally gets to see Step Up 3D. That’s right. The Step Up saga has finally achieved its all important third segment. And what’s more, it’s combined everything that’s great about the previous Step Up films, and added the now incredibly popular element of 3D technology. Get stoked...
12 tags
Kevin Youkilis, Jason Varitek, Dustin Pedroia
First, administrative stuff. Sorry I’ve been absent. I went to LA to sell out in a big way. Look for that to be finalized soon. Now to the good stuff. Man, the fucking Red Sox huh? They’ve had about a quarter billion high profile injuries this season. Today, ESPN reported that the three guys whose names you see up top there are all on the 15 day DL, though I read today on boston.com...
July 2010
9 posts
14 tags
Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Michael Collins
So 41 year ago today, a spaceship that got launched off the face of the earth, landed on the moon and pooped out two dudes. There was a third dude in a different part of that spaceship sort of chilling while hurtling around the moon at extreme speeds. In honor of that, we’re going to celebrate the shit out of those three dudes. They are, in order of moon-landingness: Neil Armstrong (repeat...
10 tags
Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker
Today on Bop, Marry, Kill we will look at the three liquors that make up what is known as the Three Wise Men. It’s the kind of drink that thinking about it makes me drunk. It has THREE WHISKEYS in it. So we will start with Jim Beam. Then we will look at Jack Daniels. We will conclude this day with Johnnie Walker. So let’s get it on.
First, Jim Beam.
Why you should bop it:
...
8 tags
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Ladies and Gentlemen of Bop/Marry/Kill, it’s been a while since we’ve done a truly conceptual entry. But today that all changes again. Today we look at the three things motivating Rockstardom for the last 50 + years. First, we look at sex. Then we will examine drugs. Finally, we will look at Rock and Roll. Let’s just get into this shit bros.
First up, Sex.
Why you should bop...
Billy Martin, Joe Torre, Joe Girardi
Guys! George Steinbrenner died! As a lifelong Yankees fan, today is a hard day for me. But why not remember the Boss with a Yankees themed bop/marry/kill? So, I figure let’s look at some of the other leaders of the Franchise. Let’s look at some managers. Steinbrenner famously had some dicey relationships with some of his managers, but that also frequently produced some real great...
15 tags
New York Knicks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Miami Heat
I figured that today I’d take a break from my Microsoft Office Suite tutorials and focus on my creative/analytic side today with my first Bop, Marry, Kill directed at one specific person. Today’s entry is directed at Mr. Lebron James. Some of you may have heard of him. The rest of you live under what I imagine is a very big rock, so let’s bring you up to speed. One of the best...
11 tags
Juliet, Desdemona, Cleopatra
Today, I bring you the ladies of Shakespeare’s love tragedies. Or at least the ladies from the tragedies that have the most to do with romantic love. Regardless, Mr. Shakespeare had a wide array of different types of lady characters that are sure to get your juices going one way or another. First we look at the lady-half of the most famous couple in the history of couples, Juliet. Then we...
11 tags
John Adams, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson
Hey, happy Fourth of July! Why don’t we all take a break from drinking beers and blowing fingers off and read about some of our nation’s founders huh? Today’s Bop, Marry, Kill is going to explore the people that (at least according to the film 1776) were the most importance voices in our nation’s independence. First, we look at the mastermind of the whole movement, John...
11 tags
Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Tomas Berdych
Man! I had totally forgot about Tennis what with all this World Cup action going on. But let me tell you folks, I fucking love tennis; and this Sunday is the Men’s Finals at Wimbledon. So, I figure let’s look at some of the big players involved in that little match. First, last year’s champion (and guy who got eliminated way faster than number 2 in the world should get...
12 tags
Michael Richards, John Mayer, Mel Gibson
Hey folks! Welcome back to Bop, Marry, Kill. Today, Mr. Meldrick Horation Gibson (I think that’s his name) was outed as even more of a racist than everyone already knew he was, so why not look at some people who have said some racially charged and incredibly stupid things in recent years. First, we look at Kramer himself, Michael Richards. Then, David Duke Cock-haver, John Mayer. Finally,...
June 2010
15 posts
13 tags
Adam West's Batman, Michael Keaton's Batman,...
Today’s post comes with a little help from frequent reader and suggestion-giver, Alex Firer. And it’s a really good one that I should have considered earlier. This time around, we look at some famous batmen. First, the original, Adam West as Batman. Then we will look at the silver screen’s first batman, Michael Keaton. Finally, the Batman that got me to go to a stupid IMAX...
10 tags
Beethoven, Balto, Air Bud
I feel like I haven’t represented the closet-bestiality people enough in this here blog, so today, we will look at famous movie dogs. Dogs are loyal and friendly and loving, but they are also stupid and sometimes smelly. Really, this is a good area of exploration I think. So today we will start with everyone’s favorite fictional St. Bernard, Beethoven. Then, we look at the...
Please, Recommend this blog for the humor listing... →
9 tags
Zooey Deschanel, Katy Perry, Alexis Bledel
My last post generated a great deal of discussion. Particularly, it generated discussion about the resemblance between Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel. That discussion led me to try and remember the name of the daughter from Gilmore Girls in order that I could do another blog where I get to talk about Zooey Deschanel. So, today, for the first time in the short history of this blog, we will have a...
14 tags
Zooey Deschanel in Elf, Zooey Deschanel in The...
I’m writing this entry specifically for two people. The first is reader Jack Waz who for some reason seems incredibly uncomfortable with discussions of male sexuality. The second is Gaby Dunn because a) she said I should do more physically desirable people, and b) she fucking hates Zooey Deschanel. So this one’s for you guys. We start today with Zooey Deschanel as Emily in Elf. Then we...
13 tags
George Oscar Bluth, Michael Bluth, Byron Bluth
I figure what with television being the only thing I know anymore, why not do another television themed bop, marry, kill. Today, we look at what I think goes down as the single greatest sitcom of all time, Arrested Development. Specifically, we will be looking at the three Bluth brothers. We start with George Oscar “Gob” Bluth. Then we will look at Michael Bluth. Finally, we look at...
12 tags
Homer Simpson, Hank Hill, Peter Griffin
Today, dear readers, I am utilizing my inane amounts of cartoon watching in Bop, Marry, Kill. We all love TV. And we all love cartoons. And we better all love at least one of the three main animated family sitcoms. So today we will look at three animated sitcom dads. First, the OG himself, Homer Simpson. Then, we delve into the world of propane with Hank Hill. Finally we jet up to Quahog to look...
15 tags
Exxon Valdez, The Iraq War, The BP Oil Spill
Woo! Saturday post! Today, famous oil-related disasters! I mean, let’s be real, oil is FUCKING UP a bit lately. Like, really bad. So I think it’s time to look at some of the bigger disasters that oil has given us in its time as a fuel source. First, we’ll look at the Exxon Valdez disaster up there in Alaska. Second, we’ll turn our collective eye to the (granted, at best...
11 tags
Don Denkinger, Jim Joyce, Koman Coulibaly
Some of my readers may have picked this up already, but I am a HUGE fan of the World Cup. It’s my favorite sporting event. I am also an American, and therefore, I saw something that made me very sad today, and that was Koman Coulibaly’s phantom call today during the USA Slovenia match today. So today’s Bop, Marry, Kill will take a look at famously bad call-makers. We start with...
11 tags
Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, Jonah Hill
Yesterday, between interviewing for a fancy new job and performing stand up comedy in front of a crowd with far fewer industry people then I was led to believe, I saw a little film called Get Him to the Greek; and it reminded me that I have a blog to write. So with that, I present a new Bop Marry Kill featuring some of the more high-profile Judd Apatow proteges. I will present them in the...
12 tags
Billie Joe Armstrong, Mike Dirnt, Tré Cool
In honor of Green Day getting halfway to an EGOT yesterday, I figure, why not do these guys? Right? There’s three of them with distinct personalities. And while I personally like to pretend the real, original version of these three men were murdered after the release of Warning and replaced with look-alikes, those look-alikes did somehow produce an album that produced a musical that won two...
13 tags
Algeria, England, Slovenia
As I’m just not sure I’ll be around tomorrow for this, today I am doing my second World Cup related post. The World Cup starts tomorrow, and what better way to celebrate than with a bop, marry, kill for the US team’s 3 opponents in group play. First up is former French Colony, Algeria. Then we look at some country called England; apparently they used to matter. Finally, we...
10 tags
Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter
Sorry folks. I have been focused on doing comedies in a live performance venue of late, but now I must focus my attention back to my blog which is the best blog in the history of blogs. Today we look at probably the most high profile people in Fox News’ illustrious history of reporting while allowing us to decide. We start with the OG Fox News anchor, and my fellow Long Islander, Bill...
10 tags
Summer Olympics, Winter Olympics, World Cup
GUYS! The World Cup is a week away! And I’m kind of a sports nerd, and even more so, fucking LOVE the world cup. So, in honor of next week’s kick off, I present a Bop, Marry, Kill of those most treasured of sporting events that happen every four years. We start with the Summer Olympics. Then we look at the Summer Olympics’ cold-climate relative, the Winter Olympics. Finally, we...
11 tags
Dallas Braden, Roy Halladay, Armando Galarraga
So, unless you live under a rock, I imagine you know something about what happened last night in baseball. Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was robbed of a perfect game by a really bad call by umpire Jim Joyce. The perfect game would have been the third in 25 days, making this past month an historic one for baseball. Galarraga was one out away. So, let’s look at the three gentlemen...
May 2010
16 posts
11 tags
Larry The Cable Guy, The Cable Guy from the Fios...
Alright ladies and germs, we have a new Bop, Marry, Kill for you today. This comes via a suggestion from Tom Murray. First we look at Larry the Cable Guy. Then we will explore the Cable Guy from the Fios Commercials. Finally we will look at Jim Carey’s character from The Cable Guy. Very little in the way of exposition needed, so let’s fucking go.
First to the cable box, Larry the...
