Bop, Marry, Kill

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! It’s a day when we celebrate a guy who magically discovered a continent where people already lived! Anyway, in honor of this day, we here at Bop Marry Kill have decided to do an entry where we look at two people and one group of people that have been credited with discovering America. We begin with the group that seems to have the most science on their side when it comes to actually having discovered america, The American Indians. Then, we look at the guy of the guys in this that I’d least want to engage in an actual fight with, Leif Ericson. Finally, we look at the man who for some reason we have all been TAUGHT discovered America, Christopher Columbus. Let’s get into it.

First up, American Indians.

Why you should bop them:

Do you know how the first Americans got here? There are three possibilities. 1) they walked across the Bering Strait when the tide was low enough that you could walk across. 2) they walked across the fucking FROZEN Bering Strait. 3) they traversed one of the most dangerous stretched of water on earth in boats and shit. NBD. The first Americans were some tough mother fuckers, and regardless, they crossed the Bering Strait because their food sources did. Because these guys weren’t pussies, they chased their own food.

Why you should marry them:

These are hearty people who knew how to survive. And isn’t that really what the whole concept of marriage is about? Working together to survive? Or something. Anyway, the people who came over to the Americas from Asia made it hear for up to 100,000 years and made the wilderness livable. You totes want them on your side for eternity.

Why you should kill them:

I don’t know. To finish the job the founders of this country, and its leaders during the 19th century started, I guess. If that’s your thing. Which it probably shouldn’t be.

Next, Leif Ericson.

Why you should bop him:

Uh, he’s a fucking viking. If you don’t, hell make you.

Why you should marry him:

He’s got Serious viking pedigree. He was the son of Erick the Red, and he had some serious power. He was charged with bringing Christianity to Greenland. Seems like a pretty big deal. What I’m getting at, is there would be money in it for you if you married him. Money and power.

Why you should kill him:

I don’t know. He probably raped and pillaged a few northern European coastal towns. Plus, people who think it’s their duty to spread their religion to new places are by and large total douchebags.

Finally, the big man today, Christopher Columbus.

Why you should bop him:

Are sailors supposed to be good at doing it? I thought I read that somewhere. Otherwise, I don’t know. He was some wimpy Italian dude with a lot of money. I guess if that’s your thing, go for it.

Why you should marry him:

The King and Queen of Spain gave this motherfucker a LOT of money to find his way to India. And if money isn’t your thing, well, he’s the subject of a bunch of nursery rhymes about discovering America. Because he discovered America, remember?

Why you should kill him:

1) He landed in the West Indies. 2) He was stupid enough to think that there wouldn’t be something between Europe and India on the West. 3) He was doing this in the name of spreading Catholicism, which we discussed before. 4) Genocide. 5) I really could have used the eighty-something bucks I would have made working today.

— The Final Verdict —

This isn’t even really all that hard of one. So let’s just get into this shit dawgs.

Bop: Leif Ericson. 1) He’s a viking, which is probably kind of hot. 2) He’s going to have sex with you anyway, may as well make it consensual.

Marry: American Indians. In a world where money based economies are all going to collapse soon, it will do you some good to be married to the original american survivors.

Kill: Christopher Columbus. Yeah, Catholicism really needed to be spread more than it already had been. And thanks for taking eighty bucks out of my pocket! And life out of all those people that ultimately died because of you, ya fucking dildo!

So that’s that. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?

Alright assholes, you knew this was coming. Any of you who know me at all know that this is all I’ve been thinking about for the last two weeks. So guess what. The Yankees are going to the playoffs. And you know what interesting statistic I recently heard about them? It may not still be true, and I’m sure I’ll get corrected if it’s not, but as of about a week and a half ago, the New York Yankees were the only team with more than one 100+ RBI hitter. In fact, the Yankees have three of them. They are, in order that they will be discussed in this blog, Robinson Cano, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Teixeira. Let’s get into this!

First, Robinson Cano.

Why you should bop him:

I’ve seen this man make plays with his body that I can’t even conceive with my mind. He has god-given gifts of grace and flexibility which make for excellent baseball and probably also very excellent bopping. On top of all that, he’s got this intensity and concentration that will probably make you feel like the most sexed at person on the planet.

Why you should marry him:

I would imagine that being part of the winningest team in the history of baseball would be worth something to some of you. But for some crazy reason, some of you readers don’t think to highly of his particular team. Well! His career batting average is .309. He has been selected to two all star teams, and he has a world series ring. These are all quite respectable (and money-producing) stats.

Why you should kill him:

I see no reason. Sometimes it’s hard to understand what he’s saying. But that’s not his fault now is it? You racist.

Next, Alex Rodriguez.

Why you should bop him:

Oh, those eyes! He has really pretty eyes. Also, he probably bopped Madonna, and that lady has some high standards when it comes to bopping. I’d imagine. Well, she likes bopping a lot, so you’d probably have to be pretty good at it. Plus, he has two paintings of himself as a centaur in his house. You do not get to have that unless you are really good at sex. (I may or may not own three.)

Why you should marry him:

His salary is retardedly high. You would absolutely want for nothing. Plus, that money will probably increase when he releases his tell-all book about the whole steroid thing.

Why you should kill him:

That whole steroid thing. You see, here is where I’m willing to use him as a symbol. If his career keeps going the way it’s been going, he will have a hall of fame career. No question about it. BUT, he has admitted to steroid use. This presents a pickle for the guys voting for this stuff because the evidence seems to point to the fact that literally everyone you can name from the late nineties to the mid 2000s was doing steroids. And A-Rod is probably going to end up with the biggest numbers of that era (other than maybe Pujols, who is super-human and doesn’t count). Anyway, kill him and get rid of the issues.

Finally, Mark Teixeira.

Why you should bop him:

Honestly, you shouldn’t. He’s the mayor of dweeb-town. Look at that picture. That is the face of a dweeb. But he’s a really good first baseman. And like Cano is really graceful and flexible. But he’s not as graceful or flexible as Cano. And he’s a straight up fucking dweeb.

Why you should marry him:

This guy is the workhorse of the Yankees. He saves a lot of plays that maybe wouldn’t have been saved before (like say when Giambi was at first base.) And while his batting stats weren’t what everyone was expecting, he is giving it his all every time he gets up there.

Why you should kill him:

He’s such a dweeb. It’s just ridiculous. Look at that picture!

— The Final Verdict —

This is my curse. I have to make a decision on this. If it were truly up to me, I’d bop all three of these guys, marry the girl of my dreams, and kill every red sock in the history of the franchise. Except Yastrzemski. He’s from a Long Island potato farming family. But seriously, fuck the Red Sox.

Bop: Cano. His presence, athleticism, and probable MVP status really point to some seriously good bopping.

Marry: Teixeira. If you have to pick between a guy with two pictures of himself as a centaur and a dweeb to spend the rest of your life with, who are you really going to pick?

Kill: Rodriguez. Look, let’s get past the steroids thing, because most of them did it. And while we’re at it, let’s get past the centaur thing. What really gets my goat, is I KNOW in the pit of who I am, every time he gets up with one out and a man on first, that there is a double play coming. Fuck this dude.

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. And if I hear any of you complain about the frequency of baseball posts again, I’ll rip your dicks off. No fucking joke. Anyway, who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?