Happy Valentine’s Day readers. Before ya’ll go and have romantic evenings that hopefully turn into lurid, filthy sex-night-times; let’s go ahead and play Bop Marry Kill. Today, in honor of Eros doing his thing on your hearts/genitals, we examine some of Earth’s most famous sex-couples. First, the OG of couples, Adam and Eve. Then we’ll look at the couple that for some ridiculous-ass reason is considered the end all/be all couple, Romeo and Juliet. Finally, we’ll look at what I have to say is probably our generation’s Adam and Eve, Brangelina. LET’S DO THIS!
First up, Adam and Eve.
Why you should bop them:
Well, they’re the original boppers, yes? They fucking invented it. I mean, at least presumably. They didn’t reproduce by magic. Though magic is how they got there in the first place. But anyway, they were the originators of the concept of doing sex things. Also, Eve was produced by ripping out one of Adam’s ribs, and didn’t Marilyn Manson have a rib surgical remove to auto-fellate? If you’re weird, I’m sure that can be hot for you.
Why you should marry them:
At least for a little while, they lived in paradise. It would have been possible to get in on that. Maybe. You’d have to time that shit right.
Why you should kill them:
Remember how Jesus had to come along and get nailed to a tree so that our shit-ass little souls could somehow rise to heaven? That’s their fault.
Next up, Romeo and Juliet:
Why you should bop them:
Well, let’s just keep in mind that Juliet was just shy of her fourteenth birthday, so bopping them is not really a good call. Though Juliet was getting some tips from her slut of a nurse. But yeah, no, avoid that call.
Why you should marry them:
Their families were alike in dignity, and boy did they have a hell of a lot of dignity (it should be noted here that dignity is some sort of Shakespearean shorthand for piles and piles of money and influence.) And to quote the bard himself, “SHAKESPEARE GOT TO GET PAID, SON!”
Why you should kill them:
First, they’re essentially gang members. These two families are responsible for a retarded amount of violence in “Fair” Verona. Second, the two of them seem to be pretty friendly with the local apothecary. Apothecary is basically shakespearean shorthand for “drug dealer.” So basically, crime. Oh, and also, the whole point of the play is not that these two people love each other super-hard and have to die, they’re both just too stupid to live.
Finally, Brangelina.
Why you should bop them:
Listen, I can’t speak for Brad, I never saw his father eating at a restaurant in Studio City. That is, however, the case for Angelina, so I basically know her. So here’s the thing, she’s fucking CRAZY. And she admittedly LOVES sex. Do I need to say more?
Why you should marry them:
Can you, right now, off the top of your head, name a higher profile couple? Nope, they’re probably worth more money than you can really conceive of. Plus, you’re not really going to get bored if you can choose for the rest of your life between the perfect male specimen and the perfect female specimen to spoon with/have marital relations with.
Why you should kill them:
If any two people are too pretty to live… No, that’s not a thing. Fuck it.
— The Final Verdict —
Love is a many splendored thing or whatever. Blah blah blah. Let’s just stop with the formalities on this and get to my answers.
Bop: Adam and Eve. They invented bopping, granted it was out of necessity, and if they didn’t, well, geez, let’s stop this line of thinking, it’s starting to get scary. Anyway, they’re also really tight with the devil, who can probably teach them a thing or two about getting dirty.
Marry: Brangelina. Basically, If you’re going to be with two people the rest of your life, you can’t really do better than the two most perfect looking people ever. Oh, and the money.
Kill: Romeo and Juliet. Again, the whole point of the play is that they are too stupid to continue to be alive. Plus their two families were really giving that prince of Verona a real headache. And that stupid bitch Juliet broke Paul Rudd’s heart!
So that’s that. Happy Valentine’s day people. Eat Chocolate and fuck! Also, who would you bop, marry and kill and why?
