I told you I was back. You didn’t believe. You were all “this blog is dead.” But I was all “WRONG, MOTHERFUCKERS! THIS BLOG IS ALIVE! LIKE TUPAC AND ELVIS!” or something. Anyway, it’s time for all of us to forgive and forget and to start talking about celebrities in the context of sex.
This weekend marks the Conference Championships for the NFC and AFC. Obviously you have that Tom Brady guy quarterbacking the New England Patriots. But did you know there are three other quarterbacks playing football games? YEAH! And they aren’t all quite as pretty as Tom Brady. So first, you got Joe Flacco of the Ravens. Then you got Alex Smith of the San Francisco Forty-Niners. And finally, one of my secret boyfriends, Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning.
LET’S DO THIS! FOOOOOOOTBAAAAAAAALL!
Firstly, Joe Flacco.
Why you should bop him:
Well first and foremost, he’s on a serious bad-boy team. The Ravens are pretty well known for their smashmouth brand of football, and for at least one of them assisting in a murder coverup. But also, this guy is starting to play angry. Years of being completely and relentlessly shat on seem to have finally started to bubble to the surface. One can imagine that this would best be let loose in a stream of such incredible sex, that the whole world would no longer be able to walk.
Why you should marry him:
Flacco is a relatively young quarterback who is putting up the kind of numbers that indicate a promising career in football. Plus his brother was drafted by the Orioles which means you’d have a professional baseball player for a brother-in-law (which is WAY cooler than having a professional football player for a husband.)
Why you should kill him:
I just get the feeling that he’s a total pussy. Plus he has to live in Baltimore which, from what I’ve come to understand, is its own kind of living death.
Secondly, Alex Smith.
Why you should bop him:
Unfortunately, forty-niner isn’t a sex thing. I spent a long time trying to prove otherwise, but it’s not. But, I’m sure if he spends serious time in San Francisco, he has to have an open mind about sex things. Also, he has a Serbian cross tattooed on his forearm, so he’s probably a total badass.
Why you should marry him:
Well, he’s the only one of these guys who isn’t married (that I can tell from extensive research on Wikipedia.) But also (according to wikipedia) He graduated high school with a 4.4 GPA and has a Bachelor’s Degree in Economics, graduating with a 3.74 GPA. What I’m getting at is, if this whole NFL thing doesn’t happen for him, he’s got something to fall back on. Plus he can explain stuff about the invisible hand of the free market and analyze marginal utility. [These are terms I remember from Economics class.]
Why you should kill him:
He’s probably the least impressive Quarterback on this list. Plus, his team is playing the Giants this weekend, and I really like the Giants.
Finally, Eli Manning.
Why you should bop him:
Super Bowl winner Eli Manning. Just, like, imagine being able to bang a Super Bowl winner. Yeah, he’s not Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers, but HEY, at least he’s not Ben Roethlisberger. Additionally, he is currently one of the best quarterbacks when it comes to running the two minute drill which totally sounds like a sex thing.
Why you should marry him:
This guy is a pretty goddamn good quarterback. He might not be elite, but he is very near elite, and who doesn’t want to be married to the near-elite? And also, I don’t know if you’re familiar with his family, but he has a brother named Peyton who’s pretty good (or at least was pretty good) and his dad is Archie Manning. Basically, if you want to make a baby that has a good chance of being really good at football, this is one of the guys to consider making a baby with.
Why you should kill him:
Sometimes watching him play football is frustrating. You know, as a fan of the team he’s on.
— The Final Verdict —
So let’s get this done before the games start tomorrow!
Bop: Alex Smith. He’s got tattoos!
Marry: Eli Manning. 1) I’m not killing a New York Giant. No fucking way. 2) This guy’s going to fill your uterus with some good football players.
Kill: Joe Flacco. He just seems like a puss.
So that’s where we’re at. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GIANTS!
Greetings fair readers. SEE! This makes two of these this week! So shut the fuck up about my hiatus or whatever. Anyway, before I start talking about how great I am for no longer being too lazy to write a hasty blog about fucking people, let’s get into this thing.
So, today’s a pretty big day. You’ve got all these websites (especially wikipedia [which I use quite liberally to write this blog]) shutting down in protest of the SOPA and PIPA bills currently getting talked about in the Congress (if you don’t know about them, I am definitely not the guy to tell you about them). I only bring that up to excuse my even thinner than usual research. Anyway, then you’ve got star of The Happening, Mark Wahlberg, running his idiot mouth about how he would have stopped 9/11. While this may not seem particularly offensive, let’s keep in mind that hundreds of people died on those planes, and he seems to be implying that they somehow didn’t do everything in their power to stop the terrorists.
Anyway, before I totally go off the rails on this thing, let’s get into Bop/Marry/Kill: Idiots who ran their mouths about 9/11 edition. First up, you got Ann Coulter who famously implied that the widows of the victims of 9/11 were motivated by greed. Then you’ve got Grade-A Man-cunt Glenn Beck, who basically said the same thing, but in a crazier way because he is crazy. And Finally, recent addition to the idiots running their mouths about 9/11 club, Mark Wahlberg.
Let’s do this!
First up, Ann Coulter.
Why you should bop her:
This woman is crazy. She is a crazy, cold, heartless bitch of a woman. And I do not take any of those words lightly. I guess except “a”. Anyway, maybe this stems from some deep-seeded psychological void deep in my subconscious, but there is something unbelievably sexy about a woman who can take or leave your existence, which is the sense I get from Ann. That she can take or leave the existence of her sexual partners.
Why you should marry her:
Bitch gets paid to be crazy. And she is just oozing crazy. She has an unending supply of that for which she gets paid. AND BOY DOES SHE GET PAID! She currently has a net worth of $8.5 million. And while she may be past her prime as a voice for the crazy in this country, I’m sure she’ll find a way to monetize the impending Obama-hate-fest that is about to start. You can be rolling in that fat dough!
Why you should kill her:
I mean, she pisses a LOT of people off. There has got to be some sort of bounty somewhere. Plus, she operates in this hateful dichotomy between conservatives and liberals which is counter-productive and blah blah blah.
Next up: Glenn Beck.
Why you should bop him:
Like Ann Coulter before him, we’ve gone over this. Though this man’s situation is certainly different now than it was, what, like a year and a half ago? Anyway, he’s no longer in the spotlight, and he was already crazy. He’s going to be willing to do some FUCKED UP stuff. Like, deeply degrading, Ted Haggard’s meth-slave type stuff. Plus he seems to have put on weight. More cushion for the pushin’!
Why you should marry him:
I think the only real answer here is as some sort of social experiment. So it should only apply to men. Gay marry the shit out of one of the leaders of the modern conservative movement. Now, granted his social beliefs were less radically far right than many of his contemporaries, but still, a lot of people who really hated gay people, really loved this dude. So dudes, marry him!
Why you should kill him:
This once powerful leader of the tea-party has all but disappeared. He’s probably sitting in the corner of his basement with a shotgun in his mouth, rocking back and forth, hoping the voices will stop. So, this is really, at this point, more of a mercy killing.
Finally, Mark Wahlberg.
Why you should bop him:
Uh… Are we not looking at the same photo here? Also, have you seen him from his funky bunch days? Dude can dance! Plus, if you’re into being shouted at in a calm way, and horrible Boston accents while getting drilled, this guy is your guy. Oh, and he has a third nipple, which triples the amount of sexy candle wax dripping surface you’ve got to play with.
Why you should marry him:
He’s the fighter! Not you!
Why you should kill him:
I’d go into how stupid the shit he said in Men’s Journal was, but he’s making some attempt to apologize (despite the apology’s half-assedness, and clearly being a PR move) and whatever. But let’s not forget why he brought it up in the first place: he was supposed to be on one of those planes. The point I’m trying to make here is that there’s probably some sort of Final Destination shit going on there. Also, The Happening.
— The Final Verdict —
Man, I hate two of these people, and am really not sure how I feel about the third right now. But I have a choice to make. That is my curse. So let’s just get right on into it then, shall we?
Bop: Mark Wahlberg. Basically for the third nipple. Not even going to lie.
Marry: Glenn Beck. 1) he probably wants to die, and who am I to give him that pleasure? 2) Like I already said, it would really make a lot of people rethink their gay-marriage stances.
Kill: Ann Coulter. I’m pretty sure she’s an alien.
So that is how that goes down. All other opinions will be heard, but are wrong. Thoughts?
Hello all. You thought I was dead, I bet. NOPE! I was just living on another plane of existence where one never thinks about sex, murder, or marriage. Needless to say, I never had a single thought!
But, so anyway, one of them Old Time Family Baseball idiots asked me about guest blogging for their blog-charity event, I am coming out of retirement. Like Michael Jordan, but the second time he went to the Bulls. Not that time he went to Wizards [which, sidenote, is a horrible name for a sport team of any sort, except quidditch, though even then it’s presumptive.] Anyway, the chance to combine my love charity, baseball and anonymously saying I’d like to kill a person was one that I could not pass up.
So on to today’s contestants. As I have repeatedly made abundantly clear in my blog (Bop, Marry, Kill for the ignorant), I am a born and bred fan of the New York Yankees baseball franchise. If forced to choose between saving my own brother or protecting Mariano Rivera from getting a hangnail, well, the choice is easy because there’s no way my brother being dead will impact Mo’s release point. [That is, of course unless he’s getting dropped from a plane directly onto the mound at Yankee’s Stadium, which definitely poses more serious problems.]
Whoa, shit, let me get this going again. Today we’re going to look at some of the great and most iconic players in Yankees’ history. First, a man who’s name is essentially synonymous with baseball history, George Herman “Babe” Ruth. Next we move in to my parents’ generation of Yankee baseballers, Mickey Mantle. Finally, the most iconic Yankee, and among the most iconic players in general of this current generation, Derek Jeter. So let’s do it.
First, Babe Ruth.
Why you should bop him:
Well, the dude was famous for his hookering. So it can reasonably assumed that he had a pretty serious amount of sex. Plus, have you seen him run? Such grace! Such dignity! Such an awesome gut!
Why you should marry him:
He’s Babe Fucking Ruth.
Why you should kill him:
You can’t! “Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.” Remember that? From the Sandlot? But, let’s, for the sake of argument, say you could. He did have a pretty long tiff with fellow Yankee legend, Lou Gehrig. Apparently it had something to do with Gehrig’s mother said something bitchy about Ruth’s daughter. Anyway, that’s kind of shitty I guess.
Up next, Mickey Mantle.
Why you should bop him:
Well, for one, he had four sons, so he probably banged his wife a lot. And on top of that, he banged a bunch of other ladies. He famously brought both his wife and mistress to his retirement party. Also, he was an alcoholic, and probably as such lacked inhibition.
Why you should marry him:
You shouldn’t. You absolutely should not.
Why you should kill him:
Well he basically was going to do it himself with his drinking. Remember that thing in 61* where he starts bleeding through his shirt, probably from drinking or something? Also the cheating and alcoholism seem to make people pretty bad most times.
Finally, Derek Jeter.
Why you should bop him:
I once heard a rumor that he gave Jessica Alba herpes. But then I’ve also heard that he’s gay, so basically don’t trust rumors about him I guess. But what you can trust, is that he is one of the most athletic athletes of this generation of athletes. Always jumping around and shit. Imagining doing sex with a guy who can jump around like this guy!
Why you should marry him:
I don’t know if you’ve seen his Honda commercial, but come on!
Why you should kill him:
I just, I’m like, OVER him, you know?
— The Final Verdict —
Man, fuck having to do this. It’s like, I don’t even know!? Whatever, here it goes.
Bop: Mickey Mantle. The boozin’ and sexin’ makes for some real bad boy shit.
Marry: Babe Ruth. He’s Babe Ruth.
Kill: Derek Jeter. He’s already done this. There is nothing more he can do with his life.
So that’s what’s up. Fuck you. I’m back! What do you guys feel about them shits?
With the holiday season just around the corner and goodwill and cheer in men’s hearts, I am happy to announce that in just under a month, the Old Time Family Baseball Blogathon will kick off. Though many have already donated to charity recently, it’s important to remember that when December ends,…
So, ya’ll may I have noticed a lack of activity on my end. That largely has to do with me being a completely lazy asshole. But anyway, I promise you that an unimaginably awesome entry of Bop Marry Kill is currently being written exclusively for Old Time Family Baseball’s blogathon.
And may I just take this time to point out that Old Time Family Baseball is a very good blog to follow.
I feel like every time I write this blog I have to apologize for a lack of recent updates. But, honestly, that’s as much your fault as it is mine, now isn’t it? Yeah, it is. Anyway, guess what fuckers, this blog has been a thing that exists for a whole YEAR now! Woo! In honor of that, today’s blog entry will focus on the three things that all the previous blogs have focused on, Sex, Marriage, and Murder. I imagine you are all familiar with those concepts, so let’s just get into this shit.
First up, Sex.
Why you should bop it:
Uh… It’s sex, so it’s probably pretty good at sex. Plus, I can think of few things sexier than sex. I mean, it’s basically where the term is derived from. Plus, sex is a good work out (I guess if you do it right, anyway), so sex probably has a REALLY good body.
Why you should marry it:
Well, if you’re married to someone, you have them in your life constantly, so basically, you’d constantly be having sex right? I mean that’s essentially the logic that I’m using on this one. Plus, sex sells. The sex industry is a multibillion dollar a year industry. And the whole idea of sex is basically the single most popular idea in the history of everything.
Why you should kill it:
Sex makes a lot of people do a lot of stupid things (see: everything. Literally every thing that has ever happened.) Plus there are like diseases and shit. And babies. Fuck babies.
Next up, Marriage.
Why you should bop it:
Because it’s only through the sanctity of marriage that anything sexual can be, like, even reasonably okay in the eyes of God. So if you want sex that’s cool with God, then this is the sex to have.
Why you should marry it:
I mean, it’s marriage. Like, why wouldn’t you marry the concept of eternal, binding, romantic love? Plus, again, there’s money in this shit.
Why you should kill it:
Because marriage is gay. Duh.
Finally, Murder.
Why you should bop it:
It’s so sexy! The ultimate bad boy. Think about it. What do we as a society think is worse than murder? Maybe like mass-murder or genocide, but those cross a line. Plus, let’s say you’re a murderer. You probably have a lot of running, hiding, and jumping to do, so you’re probably REALLY fit. Plus, it’s often said that murder is a crime of passion, which as we all know is what’s truly at the heart of good bopping.
Why you should marry it:
Because death and sadness and anger are going to be parts of your life forever.
Why you should kill it:
Kill it before it kills you first! Which it will, because someone out there wants to make you into a corpse.
— The Final Verdict —
Alright folks, it’s good to be back. And it’s good to have been doing this for a year. Let’s look at how this goes!
Bop: Murder. The passion that goes into ending another person’s life is definitely the kind of passion you want in your sex-adventures.
Marry: Sex. Dude! It means you will be having sex ALL THE TIME! Plus you’ll start getting a taste of that sex money. And there’s a lot of it.
Kill: Marriage. People who get married are boring and stupid and I hate them.
So that’s that folks. Thanks for reading for this past year. Hopefully this will live on for zillions more! Also, who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?
