Happy Valentine’s Day readers. Before ya’ll go and have romantic evenings that hopefully turn into lurid, filthy sex-night-times; let’s go ahead and play Bop Marry Kill. Today, in honor of Eros doing his thing on your hearts/genitals, we examine some of Earth’s most famous sex-couples. First, the OG of couples, Adam and Eve. Then we’ll look at the couple that for some ridiculous-ass reason is considered the end all/be all couple, Romeo and Juliet. Finally, we’ll look at what I have to say is probably our generation’s Adam and Eve, Brangelina. LET’S DO THIS!
First up, Adam and Eve.
Why you should bop them:
Well, they’re the original boppers, yes? They fucking invented it. I mean, at least presumably. They didn’t reproduce by magic. Though magic is how they got there in the first place. But anyway, they were the originators of the concept of doing sex things. Also, Eve was produced by ripping out one of Adam’s ribs, and didn’t Marilyn Manson have a rib surgical remove to auto-fellate? If you’re weird, I’m sure that can be hot for you.
Why you should marry them:
At least for a little while, they lived in paradise. It would have been possible to get in on that. Maybe. You’d have to time that shit right.
Why you should kill them:
Remember how Jesus had to come along and get nailed to a tree so that our shit-ass little souls could somehow rise to heaven? That’s their fault.
Next up, Romeo and Juliet:
Why you should bop them:
Well, let’s just keep in mind that Juliet was just shy of her fourteenth birthday, so bopping them is not really a good call. Though Juliet was getting some tips from her slut of a nurse. But yeah, no, avoid that call.
Why you should marry them:
Their families were alike in dignity, and boy did they have a hell of a lot of dignity (it should be noted here that dignity is some sort of Shakespearean shorthand for piles and piles of money and influence.) And to quote the bard himself, “SHAKESPEARE GOT TO GET PAID, SON!”
Why you should kill them:
First, they’re essentially gang members. These two families are responsible for a retarded amount of violence in “Fair” Verona. Second, the two of them seem to be pretty friendly with the local apothecary. Apothecary is basically shakespearean shorthand for “drug dealer.” So basically, crime. Oh, and also, the whole point of the play is not that these two people love each other super-hard and have to die, they’re both just too stupid to live.
Finally, Brangelina.
Why you should bop them:
Listen, I can’t speak for Brad, I never saw his father eating at a restaurant in Studio City. That is, however, the case for Angelina, so I basically know her. So here’s the thing, she’s fucking CRAZY. And she admittedly LOVES sex. Do I need to say more?
Why you should marry them:
Can you, right now, off the top of your head, name a higher profile couple? Nope, they’re probably worth more money than you can really conceive of. Plus, you’re not really going to get bored if you can choose for the rest of your life between the perfect male specimen and the perfect female specimen to spoon with/have marital relations with.
Why you should kill them:
If any two people are too pretty to live… No, that’s not a thing. Fuck it.
— The Final Verdict —
Love is a many splendored thing or whatever. Blah blah blah. Let’s just stop with the formalities on this and get to my answers.
Bop: Adam and Eve. They invented bopping, granted it was out of necessity, and if they didn’t, well, geez, let’s stop this line of thinking, it’s starting to get scary. Anyway, they’re also really tight with the devil, who can probably teach them a thing or two about getting dirty.
Marry: Brangelina. Basically, If you’re going to be with two people the rest of your life, you can’t really do better than the two most perfect looking people ever. Oh, and the money.
Kill: Romeo and Juliet. Again, the whole point of the play is that they are too stupid to continue to be alive. Plus their two families were really giving that prince of Verona a real headache. And that stupid bitch Juliet broke Paul Rudd’s heart!
So that’s that. Happy Valentine’s day people. Eat Chocolate and fuck! Also, who would you bop, marry and kill and why?
Hey Guys. So a few things. One, I wrote this whole post already. It took me an hour. Tumblr deleted it, so I’m probably going to murder a baby. Two, hey, sorry about the delay. Blah blah blah I moved to LA here’s a post about LA guys. Fuck you tumblr. First, Lakers Leader and friend of the Colorado Legal System. Second, defier of physics, and Clipper, Blake Griffin. Finally, aspiring rapper, Ron Artest. tumblr is a rapist.
First up, Kobe Bryant.
Why you should bop him:
It’s not my place to say, “because it will happen whether or not you want it to” because we have a legal system based on the premise of “innocent until proven guilty,” so I’ll avoid that. What I can say is that this guy is probably the best currently active basketball player which would require a kind of physical prowess that helps with sexual performance regardless of whether or not that sex is technically consensual.
Why you should marry him:
3 years, $90 million. Oh, and you could become friends with Phil Jackson, who will give you free books about stupid shit!
Why you should kill him:
Remember how much of an insufferable little snot-nosed shit he was in that press conference when he announced he wasn’t going to college and was just going to sign with the Lakers? He was insufferable.
Next up, Blake Griffin.
Why you should bop him:
Look, the dude defies physics. Do you guys watch Sportscenter? If you do, you may be hearing about this team called the Clippers which you never really heard that much about before. And do you know why you’re hearing about them? Because this fucking guy just does an acrobatic show for 48 minutes while four other guys in the same uniform run around underneath him.
Why you should marry him:
Eh… Let’s see how his next contract pans out. Sound like a plan?
Why you should kill him:
The Clippers are like the Washington Generals but they’re games are actually supposed to mean something. So just, put the poor guy out of his misery.
Finally, Ron Artest.
Why you should bop him:
We’ve frequently discussed here the importance of passion, and this man is seemingly quite passionate. I mean, he was passionate enough to jump into the crowd at a Pistons game and beat the piss out of a guy. Now, granted, that’s rage; but if you can somehow get him to channel that rage into bopping, it’s gonna make for some seriously good bopping.
Why you should marry him:
Sometimes, the whole sports thing doesn’t work out. Athletes get injured, teams tank and players get cut, and everyone ultimately gets old. But this guy has a plan. He’s got a whole rap career going for him. So, right now, he’s the only one of these three with a back up plan going on.
Why you should kill him:
So remember before about how I was saying if he can channel his anger? Yeah, see, there’s the whole problem that he totally can’t.
— Final Verdict —
Hey, so sorry about the whole wait thing, but it’s good to be back to telling you what to think and feel and believe about sex and murder and marriage. Let’s just get into it, folks.
Bop: Blake Griffin. The man is a human highlight reel. Look him up on youtube and see physics kill itself.
Marry: Kobe Bryant. This is what Kobe gave his wife when he TOTALLY DIDN’T RAPE that lady.
Kill: Ron Artest. I’m not going to get into his rage issues because the guy has a mental illness. What I will point out though, is that he made this song.
So that’s that. Welcome back folks. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?
So there are a lot of things that I have to get to with the beginning of this post. 1) sorry I’ve been away. 2) Hey, happy Holiday season ya’ll! 3) Isn’t it sad that John Lennon was killed 30 years ago this week? 4) Isn’t it sadder that it wasn’t Paul, who is still alive to do SNL tonight? Anyway, you may sense a theme developing. So tonight, we do Bop, Marry, Kill for the Beatles’ solo Holiday tunes. First, Lennon’s Vietnam protest cum Christmas song “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”. Next we will look at thing that exists, “Wonderful Christmastime.” Finally, we’ll look at George Harrison’s New Year’s jam “Ding Dong Ding Dong.” Let’s get into it!
First, “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”
Why you should bop it:
It’s got that classic Phil Spector production stuff. Meaning, it killed a lady. Right? That’s what that means? And what’s sexier than having killed a lady? Perhaps being John Lennon, who hosted famous “bed-ins”. You know what happens in beds? Sleeping, weird John Lennon and Yoko Ono protest thingies, and sex!
Why you should marry it:
This is a Christmas song with its heart in the right place. Instead of being about shit like Jesus and the spirit of giving and Santa, its about the Vietnam war. And let’s just be straight up about this right here, the idea of writing a holiday song is just ridiculously schlocky; something that Paul McCartney would be more apt to do. But this was a protest song that had to do with Christmas, so that’s a thing. Also, he spells Christmas with an “X” so it’s not Jesus-y.
Why you should kill it:
Fucking hippies. Disgusting fucking hippies.
Second, “Wonderful Christmastime”
Why you should bop it:
Uhhhhhhhhhh… Jeez. Paul was the cute Beatle?
Why you should marry it:
It reached # 6 on the UK singles chart.
Why you should kill it:
Have you heard this song? If so, I think you have your answer. If not, allow me to direct you to this catastrophuck.
Last, “Ding Dong Ding Dong”
Why you should bop it:
This song deviates slightly from the previous two in that it isn’t a Christmas song, but actually a New Years song. And New Years is all about getting fucked up and kissing at midnight which will hopefully lead to boning shortly their after, right? Yeah. Hella sex.
Why you should marry it:
It’s not a fucking Christmas song, and it’s not written by Paul McCartney. Also, it’s all about starting things anew, which is sort of a thing that happens when you get married, right? I don’t know. Someone who’s married tell me. Actually, make a sitcom about it.
Why you should kill it:
Look, that is the worst title ever. There’s just no two ways around it. That title is fucking stupid.
— The Final Verdict —
Oh Shit! Time to do the Beatles again! I think I can safely say, that with one exception, these songs seem to represent the nadir of Beatlesness. Except maybe for the existence of Ringo/”Octopus’ Garden.” Anyway, let’s get into it.
Bop: “Ding Dong Ding Dong”. New Years is a WAY sexier holiday than Christmas, let’s be fucking real. Plus, the title does include the words ding dong, which is sometimes used as slang for penis!
Marry: “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”. It’s a song that has its hear in the right place, plus, Phil Spector killed a lady.
Kill: “Wonderful Christmastime”. I hesitate to call this song the worst Christmas song ever written because it is SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT! I would rather live in a world where ten thousand Hitlers roamed the streets, but that song was never written; than live in the world where that song exists, but there’s only one Hitler and he’s dead.
So that’s the new Bop Marry Kill. Watch SNL tonight to see if Paul performs the song that must DIE! And have a simply wonderful Christmastime! Also, who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?
Happy Election Day! Erection Day? You bet! In the spirit of democracy, why not participate in the only form of democracy that truly matters? The game of Bop, Marry, Kill! Today we’ll look at some politics stuff. First, the Grand Old Republican Party. Secondly, the Democratic Party. And finally, we’re just going to lump all the third parties together because the constitution, I’m pretty sure, limits us to a two party system.
First, The Republican Party.
Why you should bop them:
They’re probably all holding some deeply kinky shit down in the cores of who they are. I mean, I basically assume that about everyone who’s all red state. Plus, they like to tie people to boards and pour water on their faces. If that doesn’t get you hot, well then I don’t want to fucking know you.
Why you should marry them:
They are, at least on the surface, all about family values and shit. So, yeah.
Why you should kill them:
Really? You’re going to ask this? Remember like, 3 years ago when the economy collapsed? I know a lot of people blame Obama for some stupid reason, but that was primarily due to policies put forth by the republicans over the preceding couple of decades. And they’re all about saying family values stuff while presumably fucking the SHIT out of meth-addled gay prostitutes.
Next, The Democratic Party.
Why you should bop them:
Most of the current crop of Democrats are products of the hippie movement. So they probably fuck like things that fuck a lot. I wanted to say sheep, but I don’t think that’s a thing.
Why you should marry them:
They also pretend to have family values, but aren’t quite as huge of d-bags about it, you know? Like, most of them talk about Jesus, which is gay, but they don’t talk about how Jesus wants gay people to not be married.
Why you should kill them:
THEY’RE TAKING MY MONEYS!!!!!!!!
Finally, Third Parties.
Why you should bop them:
Remember how I’ve mentioned that crazy people are good at sex? Most of these parties are made up of crazy people. Like the libertarian party. Or the Bull Moose Party.
Why you should marry them:
I think we can all agree that Rent is 2 Damn High.
Why you should kill them:
Because the constitution DEFINITELY says something about Democrats and Republicans being the only people who can run.
— The Final Verdict —
Politics! Seriously, I don’t know what I’m supposed to add.
Bop: Third Parties. Here’s the thing, they don’t have any real chance to do anything, so just have your fun with ‘em and jet.
Marry: The Republican Party: But here’s the catch, you gotta gay marry them. So girls, marry republican ladies, and dudes, marry republican dudes. Marry the Jesus-loving shit out of them.
Kill: The Democratic Party: Look, full disclosure, I pulled the lever for the dems today, but they need a serious wake up call. When someone’s pissing on your shoes, you don’t form a bi-partisan committee to look into the possibility of rain, you kick their dick off. So the democrats pussification has to end. Probably by force.
So that’s that. How would you vote on this one? Remember that your voice counts. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?
HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! It’s a day when we celebrate a guy who magically discovered a continent where people already lived! Anyway, in honor of this day, we here at Bop Marry Kill have decided to do an entry where we look at two people and one group of people that have been credited with discovering America. We begin with the group that seems to have the most science on their side when it comes to actually having discovered america, The American Indians. Then, we look at the guy of the guys in this that I’d least want to engage in an actual fight with, Leif Ericson. Finally, we look at the man who for some reason we have all been TAUGHT discovered America, Christopher Columbus. Let’s get into it.
First up, American Indians.
Why you should bop them:
Do you know how the first Americans got here? There are three possibilities. 1) they walked across the Bering Strait when the tide was low enough that you could walk across. 2) they walked across the fucking FROZEN Bering Strait. 3) they traversed one of the most dangerous stretched of water on earth in boats and shit. NBD. The first Americans were some tough mother fuckers, and regardless, they crossed the Bering Strait because their food sources did. Because these guys weren’t pussies, they chased their own food.
Why you should marry them:
These are hearty people who knew how to survive. And isn’t that really what the whole concept of marriage is about? Working together to survive? Or something. Anyway, the people who came over to the Americas from Asia made it hear for up to 100,000 years and made the wilderness livable. You totes want them on your side for eternity.
Why you should kill them:
I don’t know. To finish the job the founders of this country, and its leaders during the 19th century started, I guess. If that’s your thing. Which it probably shouldn’t be.
Next, Leif Ericson.
Why you should bop him:
Uh, he’s a fucking viking. If you don’t, hell make you.
Why you should marry him:
He’s got Serious viking pedigree. He was the son of Erick the Red, and he had some serious power. He was charged with bringing Christianity to Greenland. Seems like a pretty big deal. What I’m getting at, is there would be money in it for you if you married him. Money and power.
Why you should kill him:
I don’t know. He probably raped and pillaged a few northern European coastal towns. Plus, people who think it’s their duty to spread their religion to new places are by and large total douchebags.
Finally, the big man today, Christopher Columbus.
Why you should bop him:
Are sailors supposed to be good at doing it? I thought I read that somewhere. Otherwise, I don’t know. He was some wimpy Italian dude with a lot of money. I guess if that’s your thing, go for it.
Why you should marry him:
The King and Queen of Spain gave this motherfucker a LOT of money to find his way to India. And if money isn’t your thing, well, he’s the subject of a bunch of nursery rhymes about discovering America. Because he discovered America, remember?
Why you should kill him:
1) He landed in the West Indies. 2) He was stupid enough to think that there wouldn’t be something between Europe and India on the West. 3) He was doing this in the name of spreading Catholicism, which we discussed before. 4) Genocide. 5) I really could have used the eighty-something bucks I would have made working today.
— The Final Verdict —
This isn’t even really all that hard of one. So let’s just get into this shit dawgs.
Bop: Leif Ericson. 1) He’s a viking, which is probably kind of hot. 2) He’s going to have sex with you anyway, may as well make it consensual.
Marry: American Indians. In a world where money based economies are all going to collapse soon, it will do you some good to be married to the original american survivors.
Kill: Christopher Columbus. Yeah, Catholicism really needed to be spread more than it already had been. And thanks for taking eighty bucks out of my pocket! And life out of all those people that ultimately died because of you, ya fucking dildo!
So that’s that. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?
