Bop, Marry, Kill

Hello all. You thought I was dead, I bet. NOPE! I was just living on another plane of existence where one never thinks about sex, murder, or marriage. Needless to say, I never had a single thought!

But, so anyway, one of them Old Time Family Baseball idiots asked me about guest blogging for their blog-charity event, I am coming out of retirement. Like Michael Jordan, but the second time he went to the Bulls. Not that time he went to Wizards [which, sidenote, is a horrible name for a sport team of any sort, except quidditch, though even then it’s presumptive.] Anyway, the chance to combine my love charity, baseball and anonymously saying I’d like to kill a person was one that I could not pass up.

So on to today’s contestants. As I have repeatedly made abundantly clear in my blog (Bop, Marry, Kill for the ignorant), I am a born and bred fan of the New York Yankees baseball franchise. If forced to choose between saving my own brother or protecting Mariano Rivera from getting a hangnail, well, the choice is easy because there’s no way  my brother being dead will impact Mo’s release point. [That is, of course unless he’s getting dropped from a plane directly onto the mound at Yankee’s Stadium, which definitely poses more serious problems.]

Whoa, shit, let me get this going again. Today we’re going to look at some of the great and most iconic players in Yankees’ history. First, a man who’s name is essentially synonymous with baseball history, George Herman “Babe” Ruth. Next we move in to my parents’ generation of Yankee baseballers, Mickey Mantle. Finally, the most iconic Yankee, and among the most iconic players in general of this current generation, Derek Jeter. So let’s do it.

First, Babe Ruth.

Why you should bop him:

Well, the dude was famous for his hookering. So it can reasonably assumed that he had a pretty serious amount of sex. Plus, have you seen him run? Such grace! Such dignity! Such an awesome gut!

Why you should marry him:

He’s Babe Fucking Ruth.

Why you should kill him:

You can’t! “Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.” Remember that? From the Sandlot? But, let’s, for the sake of argument, say you could. He did have a pretty long tiff with fellow Yankee legend, Lou Gehrig. Apparently it had something to do with Gehrig’s mother said something bitchy about Ruth’s daughter. Anyway, that’s kind of shitty I guess.

Up next, Mickey Mantle.

Why you should bop him:

Well, for one, he had four sons, so he probably banged his wife a lot. And on top of that, he banged a bunch of other ladies. He famously brought both his wife and mistress to his retirement party. Also, he was an alcoholic, and probably as such lacked inhibition.

Why you should marry him:

You shouldn’t. You absolutely should not.

Why you should kill him:

Well he basically was going to do it himself with his drinking. Remember that thing in 61* where he starts bleeding through his shirt, probably from drinking or something? Also the cheating and alcoholism seem to make people pretty bad most times.

Finally, Derek Jeter.

Why you should bop him:

I once heard a rumor that he gave Jessica Alba herpes. But then I’ve also heard that he’s gay, so basically don’t trust rumors about him I guess. But what you can trust, is that he is one of the most athletic athletes of this generation of athletes. Always jumping around and shit. Imagining doing sex with a guy who can jump around like this guy!

Why you should marry him:

I don’t know if you’ve seen his Honda commercial, but come on!

Why you should kill him:

I just, I’m like, OVER him, you know?

— The Final Verdict —

Man, fuck having to do this. It’s like, I don’t even know!? Whatever, here it goes.

Bop: Mickey Mantle. The boozin’ and sexin’ makes for some real bad boy shit.

Marry: Babe Ruth. He’s Babe Ruth.

Kill: Derek Jeter. He’s already done this. There is nothing more he can do with his life.

So that’s what’s up. Fuck you. I’m back! What do you guys feel about them shits?