Bop, Marry, Kill

Greetings fair readers. SEE! This makes two of these this week! So shut the fuck up about my hiatus or whatever. Anyway, before I start talking about how great I am for no longer being too lazy to write a hasty blog about fucking people, let’s get into this thing.

So, today’s a pretty big day. You’ve got all these websites (especially wikipedia [which I use quite liberally to write this blog]) shutting down in protest of the SOPA and PIPA bills currently getting talked about in the Congress (if you don’t know about them, I am definitely not the guy to tell you about them). I only bring that up to excuse my even thinner than usual research. Anyway, then you’ve got star of The Happening, Mark Wahlberg, running his idiot mouth about how he would have stopped 9/11. While this may not seem particularly offensive, let’s keep in mind that hundreds of people died on those planes, and he seems to be implying that they somehow didn’t do everything in their power to stop the terrorists.

Anyway, before I totally go off the rails on this thing, let’s get into Bop/Marry/Kill: Idiots who ran their mouths about 9/11 edition. First up, you got Ann Coulter who famously implied that the widows of the victims of 9/11 were motivated by greed. Then you’ve got Grade-A Man-cunt Glenn Beck, who basically said the same thing, but in a crazier way because he is crazy. And Finally, recent addition to the idiots running their mouths about 9/11 club, Mark Wahlberg.

Let’s do this!

First up, Ann Coulter.

Why you should bop her:

This woman is crazy. She is a crazy, cold, heartless bitch of a woman. And I do not take any of those words lightly. I guess except “a”. Anyway, maybe this stems from some deep-seeded psychological void deep in my subconscious, but there is something unbelievably sexy about a woman who can take or leave your existence, which is the sense I get from Ann. That she can take or leave the existence of her sexual partners.

Why you should marry her:

Bitch gets paid to be crazy. And she is just oozing crazy. She has an unending supply of that for which she gets paid. AND BOY DOES SHE GET PAID! She currently has a net worth of $8.5 million. And while she may be past her prime as a voice for the crazy in this country, I’m sure she’ll find a way to monetize the impending Obama-hate-fest that is about to start. You can be rolling in that fat dough!

Why you should kill her:

I mean, she pisses a LOT of people off. There has got to be some sort of bounty somewhere. Plus, she operates in this hateful dichotomy between conservatives and liberals which is counter-productive and blah blah blah.

Next up: Glenn Beck.

Why you should bop him:

Like Ann Coulter before him, we’ve gone over this. Though this man’s situation is certainly different now than it was, what, like a year and a half ago? Anyway, he’s no longer in the spotlight, and he was already crazy. He’s going to be willing to do some FUCKED UP stuff. Like, deeply degrading, Ted Haggard’s meth-slave type stuff. Plus he seems to have put on weight. More cushion for the pushin’!

Why you should marry him:

I think the only real answer here is as some sort of social experiment. So it should only apply to men. Gay marry the shit out of one of the leaders of the modern conservative movement. Now, granted his social beliefs were less radically far right than many of his contemporaries, but still, a lot of people who really hated gay people, really loved this dude. So dudes, marry him!

Why you should kill him:

This once powerful leader of the tea-party has all but disappeared. He’s probably sitting in the corner of his basement with a shotgun in his mouth, rocking back and forth, hoping the voices will stop. So, this is really, at this point, more of a mercy killing.

Finally, Mark Wahlberg.

Why you should bop him:

Uh… Are we not looking at the same photo here? Also, have you seen him from his funky bunch days? Dude can dance! Plus, if you’re into being shouted at in a calm way, and horrible Boston accents while getting drilled, this guy is your guy. Oh, and he has a third nipple, which triples the amount of sexy candle wax dripping surface you’ve got to play with.

Why you should marry him:

He’s the fighter! Not you!

Why you should kill him:

I’d go into how stupid the shit he said in Men’s Journal was, but he’s making some attempt to apologize (despite the apology’s half-assedness, and clearly being a PR move) and whatever. But let’s not forget why he brought it up in the first place: he was supposed to be on one of those planes. The point I’m trying to make here is that there’s probably some sort of Final Destination shit going on there. Also, The Happening.

— The Final Verdict —

Man, I hate two of these people, and am really not sure how I feel about the third right now. But I have a choice to make. That is my curse. So let’s just get right on into it then, shall we?

Bop: Mark Wahlberg. Basically for the third nipple. Not even going to lie.

Marry: Glenn Beck. 1) he probably wants to die, and who am I to give him that pleasure? 2) Like I already said, it would really make a lot of people rethink their gay-marriage stances.

Kill: Ann Coulter. I’m pretty sure she’s an alien.

So that is how that goes down. All other opinions will be heard, but are wrong. Thoughts?