Bop, Marry, Kill

I told you I was back. You didn’t believe. You were all “this blog is dead.” But I was all “WRONG, MOTHERFUCKERS! THIS BLOG IS ALIVE! LIKE TUPAC AND ELVIS!” or something. Anyway, it’s time for all of us to forgive and forget and to start talking about celebrities in the context of sex.

This weekend marks the Conference Championships for the NFC and AFC. Obviously you have that Tom Brady guy quarterbacking the New England Patriots. But did you know there are three other quarterbacks playing football games? YEAH! And they aren’t all quite as pretty as Tom Brady. So first, you got Joe Flacco of the Ravens. Then you got Alex Smith of the San Francisco Forty-Niners. And finally, one of my secret boyfriends, Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning.

LET’S DO THIS! FOOOOOOOTBAAAAAAAALL!

Firstly, Joe Flacco.

Why you should bop him:

Well first and foremost, he’s on a serious bad-boy team. The Ravens are pretty well known for their smashmouth brand of football, and for at least one of them assisting in a murder coverup. But also, this guy is starting to play angry. Years of being completely and relentlessly shat on seem to have finally started to bubble to the surface. One can imagine that this would best be let loose in a stream of such incredible sex, that the whole world would no longer be able to walk.

Why you should marry him:

Flacco is a relatively young quarterback who is putting up the kind of numbers that indicate a promising career in football. Plus his brother was drafted by the Orioles which means you’d have a professional baseball player for a brother-in-law (which is WAY cooler than having a professional football player for a husband.)

Why you should kill him:

I just get the feeling that he’s a total pussy. Plus he has to live in Baltimore which, from what I’ve come to understand, is its own kind of living death.

Secondly, Alex Smith.

Why you should bop him:

Unfortunately, forty-niner isn’t a sex thing. I spent a long time trying to prove otherwise, but it’s not. But, I’m sure if he spends serious time in San Francisco, he has to have an open mind about sex things. Also, he has a Serbian cross tattooed on his forearm, so he’s probably a total badass.

Why you should marry him:

Well, he’s the only one of these guys who isn’t married (that I can tell from extensive research on Wikipedia.) But also (according to wikipedia) He graduated high school with a 4.4 GPA and has a Bachelor’s Degree in Economics, graduating with a 3.74 GPA. What I’m getting at is, if this whole NFL thing doesn’t happen for him, he’s got something to fall back on. Plus he can explain stuff about the invisible hand of the free market and analyze marginal utility. [These are terms I remember from Economics class.]

Why you should kill him:

He’s probably the least impressive Quarterback on this list. Plus, his team is playing the Giants this weekend, and I really like the Giants.

Finally, Eli Manning.

Why you should bop him:

Super Bowl winner Eli Manning. Just, like, imagine being able to bang a Super Bowl winner. Yeah, he’s not Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers, but HEY, at least he’s not Ben Roethlisberger. Additionally, he is currently one of the best quarterbacks when it comes to running the two minute drill which totally sounds like a sex thing.

Why you should marry him:

This guy is a pretty goddamn good quarterback. He might not be elite, but he is very near elite, and who doesn’t want to be married to the near-elite? And also, I don’t know if you’re familiar with his family, but he has a brother named Peyton who’s pretty good (or at least was pretty good) and his dad is Archie Manning. Basically, if you want to make a baby that has a good chance of being really good at football, this is one of the guys to consider making a baby with.

Why you should kill him:

Sometimes watching him play football is frustrating. You know, as a fan of the team he’s on.

— The Final Verdict —

So let’s get this done before the games start tomorrow!

Bop: Alex Smith. He’s got tattoos!

Marry: Eli Manning. 1) I’m not killing a New York Giant. No fucking way. 2) This guy’s going to fill your uterus with some good football players.

Kill: Joe Flacco. He just seems like a puss.

So that’s where we’re at. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GIANTS!