Bop, Marry, Kill

Alright dudes and lady-dudes. After a brief hiatus, the inspiration fairy has sprinkled its magic powder into my pee-hole (that’s how inspiration works guys, look it up) and it is time for a new Bop Marry Kill post. And this week, what with South by Southwest being in full swing down in Austin, I figure, why not do some of the bigger festivals? You know? Why not? Anyway, in alphabetical order, the festivals I could think of were Bonnaroo, Coachella, and SXSW. So without any further ado, let’s get into them shits!

First up, Bonnaroo!

Why you should bop it:

Bonaroo definitely has more of a classic, hippie festival type feel. People without shirts sleeping in the mud and watching bands and stuff. And we all know the hippies were just super into bonking the shit out of each other. Plus, like, camping and shit. So primal! I bet it’s just like a huge pheromone party and everyone is just inexplicably super horny!

Why you should marry it:

Bonnaroo pulls in some pretty dope big acts and pulls in big money for Coffee County. The type of stuff that can really sustain you. And speaking of sustain, festival organizers pride themselves on creating a sustainable festival. This commitment to the environment indicates a good heart, which is probably like a good thing to be married to, one would assume.

Why you should kill it:

My cousin once went to Bonnaroo and he had to borrow my tent. When he returned that tent, it smelled funny.

Up Next, Coachella

Why you should bop it:

Coachella is the tiniest bit less hippie-y than Bonnaroo, but it’s still pretty hippy-ish! Less camping though :/ Anyway, it also takes place in the desert, which is, like, mysterious and alluring or some shit.

Why you should marry it:

DUDE! Did you see this year’s line up? Refused and ATDI reunited for it!!!!!!!!

Why you should kill it:

Everyone thinks, “oh, it’s in southern California, that must be cool!” FALSE! It is in the desert, and it sucks. The desert sucks so much. Fuck it so hard! Plus, it gets to be like a zillion degrees during the day, and the sun shines on you unrelentingly like your some kind of biblical idiot who pissed off God. Oh, and then the temperature drops to like negative a zillion at night when the all-seeing eye of God goes to sleep. And then the snakes come out!

Finally, SXSW

Why you should bop it:

Alright folks, Austin is a college town. Most of us have gone to college at this point, and you don’t need me to tell you that colleges are full of horny idiots who drink too much. So add to that the fact that many of the events at SXSW include free beer, and, well, you’re gonna get your dick wet, bro. Plus I bet that place is crawling with sexually repressed Texans who are just aching to explore the sensual world.

Why you should marry it:

This is a true multi-media event. Whether you’re into film, music, or interactive media, there is something happening for you in the city of Austin during South by Southwest. Plus, this festival takes place at actual venues, so it’s like it has its own place, as opposed to Bonnaroo or Coachella which just sort of crash wherever, man. And did I mention the free beer at some of the events? Oh, and Austin has some AWESOME barbecue and mexican food. So it’s like, your new spouse-festival can cook.

Why you should kill it:

Tickets to the festival are ridiculous expensive. Like $600 for the music festival. That’s approximately a month’s rent for me dudes, and that’s just for the right to stand in line to get into shows. There’s also, you know, sleeping at a place, and eating. Though one could potentially just get by on the calories from the free beer.

— The Final Verdict —

Well folks, in the interest of, like, telling you things, I have never been to any of these festivals. Mostly because I’m poor, but also because I hate camping, which rules two of them out no matter how much money I have. Anyway, let’s just get right down to this shit, dawgs.

Bop: Bonnaroo. The spirit of the hippies lives there, and I think enough time has passed for us to all admit that the hippie movement was just an excuse for everyone to bang everyone else before white people created AIDS.

Marry: SXSW. This festival takes place in the coolest place of any of these festivals, plus it’s a multimedia thing. You wouldn’t get too bored with music if you had movies to go see and stuff. Also, inside.

Kill: Coachella. 1) Straight up, fuck camping in the desert. Fuck it super hard. 2) It’s not even like this is really in the middle of nowhere. It’s just far enough from the city to be inconvenient, but not far enough away to feel truly secluded. Fuck it!

So there you have it. Thoughts can be directed up your ass! Or wait, would you rather just tell me in an answer box?