Bop, Marry, Kill

Happy Feast of St. Patrick out there all you devout catholics out there! It’s great to see everyone really get into the spirit of one of the many meaningless holidays celebrating our saints. It does the Catholic part of me good. Well, at least the part of the Catholic part that isn’t concerned about being guilty about every little thing I do, think or say. St. Patrick, for those of you don’t know, is the patron saint of Ireland and is largely credited with bringing Christianity to the big green rock and or forcing out all of the snakes.

One other great thing about St. Patrick is that he wasn’t born in Ireland. He was born somewhere in southern France/northern Italy and was brought to Ireland after being kidnapped by pirates! So in that spirit, let’s look at some other totally not Irish things that have been associated with what is essentially a random day the Vatican decided you need to go to church on. First, corned beef, which is generally attributed to Eastern European jews. Then Green beer, which is mostly the product of assholes with food coloring catering to assholes with drinking problems who are looking for an excuse. Finally, we’ll look at Boston-based Irish Punk band, the Dropkick Murphys. (Note, this is the Boston that is in America, not some secret Boston located in actual Ireland.)

First up, Corned Beef.

Why you should bop it:

Uh… Look at that picture. That shit is SEXY!

Why you should marry it:

Corned Beef is goddamn delicious. It is basically the deliciousest. I was vegetarian for two whole years, but then walked past a deli in New York and was all “fuck it! Cows SHOULD die for me.” Plus, this is one of those foods that came about out of necessity. The brine that this stuff is soaked in was designed to make it keep for a long time, and it’s tender flakes come from one of the toughest cuts of beef, so it takes skill to make. Plus, think of the applications! Corned beef, corned beef hash, REUBENS!

Why you should kill it:

I mean, it’s one of those things that is wrongly associated with the Irish for some reason, but that’s not really a reason to kill it.

Next up, Green Beer!

Why you should bop it:

Come on man, it’s beer! It lowers inhibitions, and makes ladies and dudes alike look sexier! Plus green foods are like, scientifically proven to get people hot to trot (which brings up a good question, why hot to trot? That seems like a stupid sex metaphor). Anyway, yeah, beer is sex.

Why you should marry it:

IT’S FUCKING BEER! Beer is the greatest thing in the world!

Why you should kill it:

There is absolutely no reason for beer to be green. Companies dye their beer green because idiots use St. Patrick’s day as an excuse to get drunk, but they’re pussies and can’t handle traditional Irish drinks like Whiskey or Guinness or Whiskey or Whiskey. Plus green food dye has to cause like 78 different types of cancer.

Finally, Dropkick Murphys.

Why you should bop them:

Oi! Punk Rock! ANARCHY! These working class punk dudes have all the energy you’d associate with Punk (you know, when it’s performed by forty-somethings) and that energy is SEXY. Remember the Sex Pistols? They were sexy! Also, that guy is wearing a skirt or some shit, turning taboos on their heads!

Why you should marry them:

I’m going to name a city. That city is Boston. I am willing to bet that the first song to come to your brain was “Shipping up to Boston” (famous for appearances in The Departed and every piece of pop culture to mention Boston since its release) [Though I guess some of you might have thought of “Dirty Water” as performed by the Standells, in which case, let’s get a beer, you’re my type of guy/girl]. That song was recorded by the Dropkick Murphys and they must have made a boatload off that shit.

Why you should kill them:

I try not to get into this line of thinking, but man, their crowd sucks these days. Back when I first saw them (Sorry, I’m SO sorry) it was all about punk rawk and ANARCHY. But now it’s all like “YEAH BOSTON! I’M AN IRISH ASSHOLE!” And that sucks.

— The Final Verdict —

Alright, for Ireland! I have to come to my decision. I’m not going to dilly-dally here because I’ve got corned beef to eat and green beer to drink.

Bop: Corned Beef. It’s just… so fucking sexy, man.

Marry: Dropkick Murphys. They got that Scorcese money SON! Get paid!

Kill: Green Beer. There is no reason for beer to ever be green. Ever.

Erin Go Braugh! Thanks for reading. Fuck you if you disagree. Do you even dare to disagree?