Bop, Marry, Kill

Hey Guys. So a few things. One, I wrote this whole post already. It took me an hour. Tumblr deleted it, so I’m probably going to murder a baby. Two, hey, sorry about the delay. Blah blah blah I moved to LA here’s a post about LA guys. Fuck you tumblr. First, Lakers Leader and friend of the Colorado Legal System. Second, defier of physics, and Clipper, Blake Griffin. Finally, aspiring rapper, Ron Artest. tumblr is a rapist.

First up, Kobe Bryant.

Why you should bop him:

It’s not my place to say, “because it will happen whether or not you want it to” because we have a legal system based on the premise of “innocent until proven guilty,” so I’ll avoid that. What I can say is that this guy is probably the best currently active basketball player which would require a kind of physical prowess that helps with sexual performance regardless of whether or not that sex is technically consensual.

Why you should marry him:

3 years, $90 million. Oh, and you could become friends with Phil Jackson, who will give you free books about stupid shit!

Why you should kill him:

Remember how much of an insufferable little snot-nosed shit he was in that press conference when he announced he wasn’t going to college and was just going to sign with the Lakers? He was insufferable.

Next up, Blake Griffin.

Why you should bop him:

Look, the dude defies physics. Do you guys watch Sportscenter? If you do, you may be hearing about this team called the Clippers which you never really heard that much about before. And do you know why you’re hearing about them? Because this fucking guy just does an acrobatic show for 48 minutes while four other guys in the same uniform run around underneath him.

Why you should marry him:

Eh… Let’s see how his next contract pans out. Sound like a plan?

Why you should kill him:

The Clippers are like the Washington Generals but they’re games are actually supposed to mean something. So just, put the poor guy out of his misery.

Finally, Ron Artest.

Why you should bop him:

We’ve frequently discussed here the importance of passion, and this man is seemingly quite passionate. I mean, he was passionate enough to jump into the crowd at a Pistons game and beat the piss out of a guy. Now, granted, that’s rage; but if you can somehow get him to channel that rage into bopping, it’s gonna make for some seriously good bopping.

Why you should marry him:

Sometimes, the whole sports thing doesn’t work out. Athletes get injured, teams tank and players get cut, and everyone ultimately gets old. But this guy has a plan. He’s got a whole rap career going for him. So, right now, he’s the only one of these three with a back up plan going on.

Why you should kill him:

So remember before about how I was saying if he can channel his anger? Yeah, see, there’s the whole problem that he totally can’t.

— Final Verdict —

Hey, so sorry about the whole wait thing, but it’s good to be back to telling you what to think and feel and believe about sex and murder and marriage. Let’s just get into it, folks.

Bop: Blake Griffin. The man is a human highlight reel. Look him up on youtube and see physics kill itself.

Marry: Kobe Bryant. This is what Kobe gave his wife when he TOTALLY DIDN’T RAPE that lady.

Kill: Ron Artest. I’m not going to get into his rage issues because the guy has a mental illness. What I will point out though, is that he made this song.

So that’s that. Welcome back folks. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?