text 24 May 2 notes John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman

And we’re back. Today, as per the suggestion of friend of the show, Ed Reed, we look at some high profile murderers. First, we look at President Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, John Wilkes Booth. Then we will examine the man who shook JFK from his mortal coil, Lee Harvey Oswald. Finally, we look at Beatle killer, and apparent J.D. Salinger fan, Mark David Chapman. So, let’s play Bop, Marry, Kill.

Firstly, John Wilkes Boothe.

Why you should bop him:

John Wilkes Booth was basically the Brad Pitt of Civil War-Era America. I’m going to go ahead and assume that most of the people reading this would fuck Brad Pitt, so why wouldn’t you fuck is 1860s counterpart? He was also famous for his performances of Shakespeare’s works, so he would have committed to memory some of the most romantic shit ever written for when sweet nothings need whispering.

Why you should marry him:

John was just one of several Booth family members who became famous actors in their time. Marrying him would be like marrying a Baldwin! Additionally, he was making fucking bank on this whole acting game, and using that money wisely. He formed some partnership or something and at some point was investing his money in building up the land in the Back Bay part of Boston. And as many of my readers know, that’s some valuable fucking land.

Why you should kill him:

Ignoring the fact that he killed the man who was probably the greatest president in this great nation’s history, The dude was a confederate sympathizer and ARDENT supporter of slavery. I mean, most people were at that point I guess, but it’s still pretty fucked up. And MAN, if that “Sic Sempter Tyrannis” bullshit wasn’t the most overdramatic thing ever, right? What do dinosaurs have to do with any of those dudes?

Nextly, Lee Harvey Oswald.

Why you should bop him:

Oswald’s youth was marked by behavior that by today’s standard would get him put in a special school, but by 50’s standard made him kind of like a character Marlon Brando or James Dean would play. All picking random fights and being a cool loner. Also, he was an angry man, and anger channeled in the right way can (as often discussed here) can make for some real good bopping.

Why you should marry him:

Man! How great would it be to know all the stuff about the Kennedy assassination? It would be great. Though he probably wouldn’t know ALL the stuff. And of course, had he gotten away with the assassination, he would almost certainly be taken care of by whatever combination of the mob, Cuba, LBJ, the CIA, and the Soviets pushed him to kill Kennedy. You’d be set for life!

Why you should kill him:

Well, he was a loony self-professed Marxist who attempted to sell US secrets to the Soviets during the 50s. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was basically borderline retarded, we’d all have not been born. Also, beside that Kennedy guy, he’s suspected of killing a Dallas police officer, and attempting to assassinate a General. And Obviously, killing is wrong.

Finallyly, Mark David Chapman.

Why you should bop him:

Pfff…Well, he looks kind of like Meat Loaf, and Meat Loaf had a reputation of getting all revved up with nowhere to go which sounds really sexual. But Meat Loaf, this gentleman is not. He was bat-shit crazy, which I always feel can be channeled into good bopping, but his bat-shit crazy was maybe not so channelable.

Why you should marry him:

He’s a real homebody. You could just spend the evenings curled up, reading the Catcher in the Rye and listening to Beatles’ records. Or you could explore any of his other multiple obsessions. He also, has somehow managed to maintain his marriage for now over 30 years. Clearly he’s committed.

Why you should kill him:

This dude is fucking CRAZY! Like, not just stupid, and into weird politics like the other two, he’s fucking off the charts crazy. He was known to get in fights with employers and take lots of drugs and drink too much. Also, the dude put 5 bullets into John Lennon, but couldn’t send one Yoko’s way? Really dude? Oh, and also also, I fucking hated the Catcher in the Rye.

— The Final Verdict —

Alright, this is a toughie, because these are really 3 despicable dudes, you know? Real straight up despicable. But, I have made up my mind after going over these facts, so let’s have at it.

Bop: Lee Harvey Oswald. You definitely wouldn’t want to do anything more than bop with him, but his brooding and temperamental persona certainly would have a little bad-boy appeal.

Marry: John Wilkes Booth. This guy would be able to provide for you. He was a famous actor, and he was a shrewd investor. Plus he played Romeo. How fucking romantic is that?

Kill: Mark David Chapman. Well, first off, the crazy thing. Crazy means unpredictable. None of these other guys heard voices. But also, the dude totally had a fucked up idea of why the Beatles broke up. And fuck The Catcher in the Rye.

So, motherfuckers and motherfuckerettes, that is where I stand on this issue. Before I leave this up to you, I am again going to shamelessly plug my performance at Comix on June 16 at 9:30. All info is here. So who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?

  1. jduganbarrett reblogged this from bopmarrykill and added:
    Fuckin’ Catcher in the Rye and shit.
  2. bopmarrykill posted this

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