text 22 Jun 13 notes Homer Simpson, Hank Hill, Peter Griffin

Today, dear readers, I am utilizing my inane amounts of cartoon watching in Bop, Marry, Kill. We all love TV. And we all love cartoons. And we better all love at least one of the three main animated family sitcoms. So today we will look at three animated sitcom dads. First, the OG himself, Homer Simpson. Then, we delve into the world of propane with Hank Hill. Finally we jet up to Quahog to look at Peter Griffin. So let’s do this shit!

First, Homer Simpson.

Why you should bop him:

How many times have you watched the Simpsons and seen Marge get in the mood to snuggle? She fucking loves to snuggle. So there’s got to be something there. And just think about all the episodes where Homer and Mare are doing it in weird places. They did it in a mini-golf castle, in the Lovejoys bed, other places. This is a couple that likes to do a whole lot of it.

Why you should marry him:

Despite all of his MANY failings as a husband and father, Homer and Marge have been together almost as long as any of us have been alive. He’s a truly devoted man who works a job he 1) hates and 2) is absolutely alarmingly underqualified for to keep his family happy. Additionally, despite many MANY confusingly hot women coming on to him, he has never been unfaithful to Marge.

Why you should kill him:

He’s a HUGE alcoholic. He also is (as I mentioned before) dangerously underqualified to keep a nuclear reactor safe. This dude is in charge of the safety of a nuclear power plant! A man who didn’t graduate high school until he was 38 is in charge of the safety of a nuclear power plant!

Next, Hank Hill.

Why you should bop him:

Probably mostly out of sympathy. He’s never had sex with anyone but Peggy. But also, he has that narrow urethra thing going on, so if pregnancy is a concern for you, fear not, like zero sperm will come out of his ding dong.

Why you should marry him:

This gentleman is family values personified. Despite his dad’s complete batshit insaneness, he loves his father. Despite the fact that Peggy is a self-aggrandizing crazy woman, he also still loves her. And the best example, despite the fact that Bobby is basically a latent homosexual weirdo with nothing in common with his father, he loves Bobby. Also, he’s a real up and comer at that Strickland propane.

Why you should kill him:

I’ve heard the accusation that his conservative values are irksome, and he’s ultimately a kind of boring man surrounded by fucking weirdos. Also, he smoked weed in that episode where that lady got killed, and weed is evil.

Finally, Peter Griffin.

Why you should bop him:

Clearly, the Griffins are a sexually liberated group. In the episode where everyone in the school starts licking toads, he and Lois are seen doing it in full on leather with like whips and chains. He’s a man who is open to anything, so if you have weird, kinky sex stuff going on, he will probably be on board.

Why you should marry him:

He and Lois are genuinely in love with each other. And his heart seems to be in the right place most of the time, though his brain may be somewhere else.

Why you should kill him:

Look at the kids he’s raised! They’re all so fucked up and weird. And again, we have another raging alcoholic. And to boot, he talks to a dog. And breaking down the fourth wall a little bit here, I fucking hate Family Guy. Hate it. And it’s spawned two different spin offs which both, some-crazy-how, suck more than the suckiest moments on Family Guy. So cut off the head and the body will follow.

— The Final Verdict —

I have at least a soft spot for all three of these shows, and their male protagonists in particular. This wasn’t the hardest decision I’ve made, but it certainly wasn’t the easiest. So let’s take a look at what I have to say and is therefore 100% right.

Bop: Homer Simpson. Homer and Marge really do do it a lot. And they do it in weird places. So if you want some non-traditional sex-having-places, Homer’s your guy.

Marry: Hank Hill. His marriage has seen the least problems of any of these guys. That, and he’s an assistant manager at a propane dealership. He must pull in serious dough.

Kill: Peter Griffin. He’s somehow dumber than Homer Simpson. That and Family Guy has ruined TV comedy. And also, American Dad and the Cleveland show exist.

So that’s how it is folks. Deal. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?

  1. jduganbarrett reblogged this from bopmarrykill and added:
    Reblogged for truth. And until all of my followers follow bmk.
  2. michaelclair answered: Could not agree more. 3 for 3
  3. bopmarrykill posted this

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