Bop, Marry, Kill

I figure what with television being the only thing I know anymore, why not do another television themed bop, marry, kill. Today, we look at what I think goes down as the single greatest sitcom of all time, Arrested Development. Specifically, we will be looking at the three Bluth brothers. We start with George Oscar “Gob” Bluth. Then we will look at Michael Bluth. Finally, we look at the youngest of the Bluths, Byron “Buster” Bluth. It’s Arrested Development.

First up, George Oscar Bluth.

Why you should bop him:

He probably bops the most of all the Bluth siblings. He makes quite frequent mention of how many more women he’s had sex with than Michael. And when you’re the type of person (like Gob is) who makes a point of having a lot of sex, you tend to get good at it. It’s just sort of the way it is. Oh, he’s also a pimp at one point, or rather the ventriloquist for a puppet pimp. Something like that. How dangerous huh?

Why you should marry him:

I’m not really sure. His family used to be rich, but they aren’t anymore. And he used to be a very successful (at least relatively) magician, but that isn’t going for him too much anymore. Pffffffffff. Uh, he has that segway?

Why you should kill him:

He’s really stupid, and kind of a dick. He also blue up a wicked expensive yacht ($700,000?). Remember the time when he thought Michael was into the civics teacher, so he nailed her? That’s fucked up. And if that stuff isn’t raising your ire, the amount of doves and rabbits that have died by his hand is STAGGERING.

Next, Michael Bluth.

Why you should bop him:

While George Oscar may have quantity on his side, Michael certainly has quality, and I think greater frequency. And moreover, Michael did it in the jury stand at a courthouse. How hot is that?

Why you should marry him:

Michael is clearly a loving father, and one can assume that he was a faithful and loving husband. He also is the only person in the entire stupid Bluth family responsible enough to run the company. And he took the company all the way up to a “Don’t Buy” on the Jim Cramer show. So you know that he will be able to provide for you.

Why you should kill him:

Like I said before, he’s  the responsible one, but he’s still kind of shitty. He’s self-involved, and ignorant of his own son’s problems. He also acts as somewhat of an enabler for the rest of his family. But he also calls them on all their shit, and is therefore kind of a hypocrite. And top of all that, he should just fucking know better.

Finally, Byron Bluth.

Why you should bop him:

Remember how in high school you were taught that every time you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they’ve ever slept with? Well Buster banged Liza. Think about it! Also, his penis is apparently shaped like a lobster’s tail without a shell. That actually sounds fascinating.

Why you should marry him:

Buster is a graduate of the Milford Academy, a place where students are taught to be neither seen nor heard. So he can disappear when you want him to be disappeared. Also, he was in the Army and that means job security.

Why you should kill him:

He’s a weak little baby. Everything he does is somehow about his mother. Whether following her wishes, or reacting incredibly strongly against them. He also does that annoying “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Brother” thing and rubs everyone’s shoulders, so I’m sure most of his family would appreciate it.

— The Final Verdict —

Honestly, most of the appeal of Arrested Development was the despicable-ness of the Bluth family. At points they are all disgusting, and at points they are all likable. But, I think I have a decision, so here it is.

Bop: George Oscar Bluth. Yeah, ew, right? But He clearly has experience in the art of bopping, and it defines him at certain points in the show.

Marry: Michael Bluth. He’s the only marryable one.

Kill: Byron Bluth. He has nothing to offer in either of the other categories, and he’s kind of annoying. I guess this is process of elimination though.

So there you have it. Do you agree? No? Too bad. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?