With everyone all getting their boners in a bunch about the impending release of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World this week, I figure, let’s look at the guy who will be starring in the aforementioned film. But not, like, him. Because he’s one guy, and the whole conceit of this blog is gone if there aren’t three subjects. So let’s look at what I’m going to go ahead and say are the three most enduring characters Michael Cera has played to this point in his life. We start with his role from Arrested Development (side note: If this [as is rumored] movie is dead because of him, I will end his miserable life) George Michael Bluth. Next, we will look at Evan from Superbad. Finally, we will look at the sniveling impregnator Paulie Bleeker from Juno. Let’s get to it.
Firstly, George Michael Bluth.
Why you should bop him:
Well, unlike most of you prudes, he’s willing to eschew society’s sexual taboos. Granted the main (and I think only) sexual taboo he deals with is wanting to just go to town on his own cousin, but still, doesn’t that count for something? Other than potentially retarded offspring. Oh, and he’s Mr. Manager, which is clearly a title of considerable power, and power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Why you should marry him:
He’s the consummate good guy. Or rather, he’s the best guy on Arrested Development, which is not all too dissimilar to being the best guy in a room filled with Hitlers. But, okay, so he cares about something outside of himself, and seems to legitimately be in love with Anne (her?) at one point. Plus, he’s definitely the marriage type. Remember that he got married to Maeby for realz at one point, and almost married Anne at another point.
Why you should kill him:
As entertaining as the Bluth family antics are, do you really feel comfortable with that family running around? No, you don’t. And sometimes you have to make sacrifices like Killing George Michael.
Nextly, Evan.
Why you should bop him:
Remember that scene at just about the end of the second act of Superbad when Evan and the chick Evan is about to do are about to do it? She seems pretty impressed with his wiener if memory serves. While I believe the descriptor used was “smooth,” and I’m not sure really how high up on the list of important sex things a smooth wiener is, I’m sure it’s useful to at least someone.
Why you should marry him:
He’s such a loyal friend. And he’s willing to say “I love you.” Granted that was while drunk and to a dude, but still. And he’s the only one of these characters who I can guarantee will at least GO to college. And that college was Dartmouth (I think). So you know he’s going have some money and degree of success.
Why you should kill him:
Because this movie is like a slightly less great version of American Graffiti.
Lastly, Paulie Bleeker.
Why you should bop him:
If you’re hanging out and bored, apparently doing sex with him is good way to pass the time. That’s how it happened right? I mean, there’s got to be something so irresistible about him. Plus there are multiple hot biddies after him. Right? It’s been a while since I’ve seen this, and it will be another while until I subject myself to it again.
Why you should marry him:
Well, his baby was worth keeping. So that’s nice. Plus he ultimately does the right thing and starts being together with Juno at the end. And he probably will have a career singing for some boring but hugely successful indie pop band.
Why you should kill him:
Real talk: When I saw Juno, my being created new fibers of itself so that I may hate that movie with even more fibers of being. I hated it. Every single frame. The chance to kill anything involved in it is so wonderful to me. Also, that song at the end is wicked annoying, and he’s just such a nothing throughout the whole goddamn thing.
— The Final Verdict —
Poor, oversaturated Michael Cera. Remember those early days? They were good. Anyway. This is kind of tough for me. But not really. Not really at all. Let’s just do this.
Bop: Evan. Apparently his wiener is something worth talking about to that girl.
Marry: George Michael Bluth. He’s a good guy wrapped up in a crazy family, and he needs a way out. That way is through starting a new family.
Kill: Pauly Bleeker. Fuck that fucking movie.
So there it is. Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?
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