text 18 Aug 1 note Brett Favre, Lebron James, Tiger Woods

So Athletes huh? They’ve been kind of assholes lately right? Goddamn right I’m right. Anyway, today what with Brett Favre needing to host a huge ordeal of a press conference to tell us whether his old ass is going to throw pieces of leather really far this year, I feel it’s a good time to discuss some big ol’ media-circus inspiring athletes of the past yearish. We start with today’s big a-hole, Brett Favre. Then we turn to the King himself, Lebron James. Finally, we’ll look at a guy who I think played golf at some point, Tiger Woods. Let’s do this.

First up, Brett Favre.

Why you should bop him:

Look at that pretty motherfucker. The rugged five o’clock shadow, the laid back dress. Man, he is DTF. And let’s be real folks, he’s a fucking model. I mean, sure, I guess there’s a line between spokesperson and model, but he’s a spokesperson/model for wrangler jeans. Also, his sport is really the most intensely physical. I mean, in football there’s all this talk about deep penetration and sacking, so why not take him into YOUR sack?

Why you should marry him:

He’s going to make something pretty retardedly close to $20 million this season. And he’s been doing this for 19 years. Dude’s got cash is what I’m saying. He’s also something of a quiet, small-town family man. Essentially, if you want to live a quiet life on an estate in rural Mississippi, then this is the guy you want to marry. Because once the NFL gets his spine broken, that’s what you’ll be doing.

Why you should kill him:

This guy is the fucking king of jerking people around. For years he’s been retiring and then not retiring and all this shit. And he had NO respect for the fans of Green Bay who made him who he was. Plus, he’s old. He doesn’t have much longer to be doing this, so put him out of his misery. And also, he’s struggled with an addiction to pain killers. He may relapse, and then what? He’ll be back on the street and trying to rob you so he can score another hit. That’s what.

Next, Lebron James.

Why you should bop him:

He’s young, he’s rich, he’s ready to go. I mean, he’s a fucking rock star right now. He’s not quite ready to settle down, so get a taste of it and back off. Also, it’s pretty clear he’s got commitment issues.

Why you should marry him:

He’s very good at what he does, and he’ll probably go down in history. Also, he makes a ton of money whether it be through playing or endorsement deals or whatever. In addition to all the money, at least at one point in his life he had a sense of humor about himself. He was on SNL or something. That, and he seems to care, at least nominally, about some charities.

Why you should kill him:

This man has forever changed the way free agents will behave. Free agency is not about making yourself a rockstar. It’s about using your skills as an athlete to get what your worth from whatever team needs it the most. I mean, ESPN did like 2 solid weeks of coverage on this whole fiasco. Were there not sports going on at that time? Did ESPN really need to give this fucker an hour of airtime to say “I’m gonna be a dick.” Plus, he’ll never be Jordan. He’ll be good, but he won’t be a legend.

Finally, Tiger Woods.

Why you should bop him:

Alright, let’s just get right into it. The man is “addicted” to sex. Let’s not get into all the tricky definitions of addiction and such and take him for his word, okay? Can we agree to that? Good. So let’s say someone is addicted to smoking crack. One would assume that that person would be VERY good at smoking crack, correct? Of course I am. So who better to have sex with than someone whose entire life is controlled by an urge to have sex? No one. This is, of course, provided the sex is very safe.

Why you should marry him:

There was a time when he was the best athlete in the world. There was also a time when this dude had endorsements out the fucking b-hole. There is just retarded amounts of money that this guy has access to. Plus, if you like success, despite this dude’s lack of being all that good recently, he is still the number one golfer in the world.

Why you should kill him:

Well, let’s just say his wife, (yikes, they’re actually still together) Elin, is pretty pissed at this dude right now. Like, probably willing to pay you to kill him pissed. And I’m sure she’s going to come into some serious cash when the dude kicks it. Plus she’s gorgeous. Isn’t it always nice to make gorgeous women happy?

— The Final Verdict —

Man, these guys have made me really angry in recent months. Actually, not so much one of them. Though I basically don’t know how good of people any of them are. Whatever. This is a relatively straight-forward one as far as I’m concerned, so let’s get right down to this shit.

Bop: Tiger Woods. He’s addicted to sex. Like, what more do I need to say?

Marry: Lebron James. He’s got earning power, and he’s going to keep getting more earning power. Plus he seems like on a personal level he might be a pretty chill dude.

Kill: Brett Favre. Man, fucking retire or not. You know? Well, evidently he doesn’t, so why not decide for him?

So there it is folks. Whatchu think? Who would you bop, marry, and kill and why?

  1. bopmarrykill posted this

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